Season 1, Episode 8
The episode begins with an extended shot of a bulletin board in the student lounge displaying a Hillside emblem emblazoned with the single word “Sports”. Two hands appear and tape a green sheet of paper that says, “If you love this planet…THINK” over the cryptic “sports” message. The camera pans oot to reveal that the hands are Cindy’s as she steps back to admire her cheap, trite, artless, mimeographed sign like it was the fucking Mona Lisa. Courtney strolls by dressed in a ghastly ensemble of earth tones and excrement, greeting Cindy with a friendly hello. Cindy responds by self-righteously belching, “Just trying to raise a few people’s consciousness,” as she continues to assess the possible efficacy and impact of her stupid piece of scotch-taped copy paper. Courtney sits down at a table looking like she’s getting ready to do homework when Cindy asks if she’d like to “lend a hand” even though you can see that she only has aboot 4 more copies of her dumb little sign spread oot on the table, the posting of which hardly seems like a two-person job. Courtney politely declines, a decision she’ll live to regret for the next several minutes of her life as she’s treated to a bitchy tirade aboot how “it’s only the planet that’s at stake.” I hate to break this to you, Cindy, but you’ve done more damage to the planet with your idiotic signs than Courtney did by refusing to help you litter the school with them.
Cut to Ashley and Jake at The Avalon sulking over two stiff glasses of milk and what look to be pastries infused with elephantitis and cheese. Ashley is wearing her oversized sweat jacket and Jake appears to be clad in a helium-filled maroon parachute. She’s somehow even whisperier than normal as she recounts to Jake the upsetting conversation she had with Matt aboot his drinking yesterday. Jake, as usual, can find nothing constructive to say but eventually tells her that he’ll try talking to Matt, though he doubts it will do any good. This redundant scene finally ends the way they always do, with Ashley looking at her watch, realizing she’s late for her planned homework session at the library, and high-tailing it oot the door, apparently sticking Jake with the tab. I guess you’ve got a pretty good con going there, Ash, but I notice you didn’t touch your pastry, so maybe I’m not as hip to your game as I thought.
Dylan enters the school and saunters over to the table where Courtney’s still doing homework and pretending not to notice him. He attempts to cut through the chill by grabbing one of Cindy’s signs that are still littering the table and asking, “If you love this planet…think what?” but gets little response from Courtney. Trying a different approach, he tells her that he’s doing poorly in science and this might cause the principal to call off his concert. Strike two. Next, he employs the tried and true method of asking her how she’s doing and this, of course, is the straw that breaks the back of this repugnant dromedary. Courtney unleashes a snotty harangue aboot feeling foolish for thinking that it meant something when he kissed her in the garage, to which Dylan retorts, “Who says it didn’t?” She accuses him of going oot with Brooke and Dylan counters that “She’s going oot with some guy named Terry in the 12th grade,” in a tone that definitely implies frustration aboot Brooke’s alleged unavailability, but Courtney’s too fucking dense to pick up on that vibe. She immediately begins to smile as Dylan walks off and Deadpool enters the lounge with the obligatory query, “Did I just miss something here?” Yeah, Billy, you just missed the 135th occurrence in less than 8 episodes of your dopey sister ignoring all evidence that Dylan views her as nothing more than the ugly but convenient drunk chick at the party. Billy and Courtney yawn into their usual parent-related conversation. Billy is still wearing the zoo t-shirt and I can’t tell the difference between any of Courtney’s fashion atrocities anymore, so I have no idea at what point in the timeline this is all happening. In the previous scene, Jake and Ashley seemed to have moved on from yesterday, so maybe Billy just forgot to change his shirt.
The siblings rise from the table and begin to stroll the halls. Billy tells Courtney that since Dad is going oot of town for the weekend, he’ll be coming home to spend it with her and Mom. She half-jokingly suggests that maybe they should both spend the weekend at Dad’s empty apartment and “throw a major party”, just as Matt walks by and catching the last sentence of their chat, exclaims, “Is this for real? A party at your place next weekend? Sounds great!” before running off to tell everyone in earshot aboot it and essentially ensuring that they now have to go through with it whether the idea was raised as a joke or not.
The boys’ locker room. Jake seems to be having a difficult time tying his shoes, probably owing to his strangely aeronautical shirt. Matt enters and after some inane small talk, Jake asks Matt if he has a few seconds to talk aboot something and then immediately pussies oot of his promised attempt to lecture Matt aboot his drinking. On his way oot the door, Matt tells Jake aboot the party at Billy’s on Friday:
Jake: Sounds great.
Matt: Yeah, should be a blast! Their dad’s gonna be away – an empty apartment, just waiting for us!
Jake: Sure. Get the guys together. Pick up a few cases of beer.
Matt: You betcha!
Jake: Of course…I guess…we could always try it withoot the beer…just to be different.
Matt: Is that supposed to mean anything in particular?!
Jake: Yeah. I guess it means you’re drinking an awful lot lately.
Matt: Here we go again! You’re starting to sound exactly like…hang on – have you been talking to Ashley??
Jake: Yes, I have.
Matt: Oh, this is GREAT! MY BEST FRIEND AND MY GIRLFRIEND WHISPERING BEHIND MY BACK!!
That’s just your girlfriend who does the whispering, Matt, but I digress. Matt screams at Jake to “get off his case” and storms oot of the locker room. Jake slams his locker in frustration and it bounces back open even wider than it had been before, so he slams it again and it bounces open again. It’s almost as if the producers of this fucking train wreck are proud of their budgetary corner cutting.
Brooke stops Matt on the stairs and they talk aboot the party at Billy’s for a few seconds until Cindy stomps between them carrying a handful of loose papers that she dug oot of the garbage can like a fucking crazy homeless woman. Though I haven’t a clue who she’s addressing, she starts screaming aboot how paper belongs in the recycle bin, not the garbage can, like a sociopathic, crack-addicted Erin Brokovich. Matt and Brooke greet her vocal castigation with typical sarcasm, prompting Cindy to declare, “It’s disgusting! This school is an ecological disaster area!” before switching gears and loudly shaming the school for selling tuna fish sandwiches (Where? Where do they sell these alleged sandwiches, Cindy? This school has no fucking cafeteria!). As she continues to explain to her puzzled audience that tuna are caught in drift nets that also kill dolphins, Olaf walks up from behind and quietly jumps to her defense, opening himself up to more mockery aboot the fact that he hails from Finland. A few feet away, a morally conflicted Deadpool takes in the scene as Cindy stomps off grumbling aboot having to deal with “a bunch of zipperheads”.
At Ashley’s locker, Courtney’s filling her in on the planned Friday night party while Pink Denim piles aboot thirty textbooks into her arms. Courtney mentions that Friday is also the day of Dylan’s concert, so Ashley asks how things are going between them. Courtney’s ecstatically optimistic response based solely upon Dylan’s annoyed revelation that Brooke is dating some twelfth grader is too pathetic for me to watch a second time, so I move the timer on the YouTube video a few clicks to the right where Ashley is wisely warning her slow-witted friend to be careful. This whole time, Ashley has been making it as clear as possible, shy of ootright screaming it in Courtney’s face, that she has something far more pressing on her mind than an imaginary romance between Shit Drapes and Leather Jacket, and finally, Courtney breaks oot of her self-absorption long enough to notice and ask what’s wrong. Ashley responds with an unconvincing “no, I’m fine,” and resigns herself to another day of quiet martyrdom.
Dylan’s alone at a booth in The Avalon writing song lyrics when Brooke enters and makes a beeline to where he’s sitting. She flirtatiously asks if she can see what he’s writing but tragically, Dylan declines to show her (or us) the poetic workings of his rebellious teen mind. She sits down uninvited and asks him if he’s going to the party Friday night, to which Dylan responds, “Sure, you’ll probably have a great time with Terry What’s-His-Face.” Brooke informs him that she broke up with her imaginary boyfriend yesterday, adding that she’s “far more interested in someone else” as she leers at Dylan across the table. Finally, Dylan asks Brooke if she’s “inviting him to ask her to the party or something”, which is at least one extra layer of inviting than I’m accustomed to, but admittedly I’m not very familiar with how they handle this kind of thing in Vancouver. She treats his question as an actual invitation and enthusiastically accepts while Dylan shrugs his shoulders and goes back to writing lyrics.
Later or tomorrow or maybe in a completely different space-time continuum altogether, Dylan walks into the school still wearing the blue t-shirt he’s had on for this entire episode and is immediately accosted by a psycho-grinning Courtney galloping down the stairs. She’s obviously bursting to say something to him and when she opens her gob, a fucking apology pours oot for giving him minimal shit earlier aboot the fact that his hard-on for Brooke is aboot as transparent as his tired tough-guy schtick. Then she tells him aboot the party and informs him that not only is he invited, he’s “very invited”. Dylan responds with a perfunctory “Sure,” before hurriedly extricating himself from her odious presence.
Oblivious to Dylan’s passionate disinterest, Courtney strolls along and runs into Brooke sitting on a bench. She proudly proclaims that Dylan will probably be at her party and Brooke replies, “Oh, yes. He’s going with me!” I don’t know if the audio guy hit a button prematurely or what, but the dramatic scene-change music starts playing right at this moment – but the scene isn’t over. Brooke gloats for a bit, then pretends to suddenly realize that this homely schoolmarm might not be so happy aboot what she just divulged and launches into an over-the-top apology for forgetting that Courtney “had a little crush on him”. Courtney skulks off in humiliation as Deadpool saunters over and asks Brooke why his sister looks upset. Brooke deflects the question and points oot that his friend Olaf is sitting nearby (playing chess by himself). Brooke stands up and leaves as Olaf stands up and greets Billy with his characteristic good cheer. The rest of this scene pains me because I like Olaf and if I didn’t like Olaf, this fucking show would be utterly unbearable, and hence, so is what’s coming next.
Olaf invites Billy to play chess but Billy uncomfortably informs him that he doesn’t really feel like playing. Deadpool then graduates to the next level and tells Olaf that he doesn’t really like chess, but the deeper implication in his words is that he doesn’t really like Olaf. Billy tells Olaf that he’s got to run, and run he does, leaving Olaf to stare after him in sad confusion. Fuck you, Deadpool. And after all the nice things I said aboot you in the last post.
At The Avalon, Courtney is torturing Jake with her indignation aboot Dylan. This fucking Colonial dildo has the nerve to tell Jake that “you either ask someone oot or you don’t – you don’t sort of ask them,” completely disregarding the fact that she’s saying this to the same guy that’s been sort of asking her oot for the last seven episodes. They agree that Dylan’s a jerk so many times that eventually Courtney says, “He’s a derk” and the director just decides to let it stand because I’m sure he’s fully aware this is the worst television show that’s ever been broadcast on either side of the Frontière Internationale. Jake (with absolutely no ulterior motive, of course) advises Courtney to just forget aboot Dylan with some uncharacteristic and, as it turns oot, undeserved confidence because she immediately retorts that she can’t just forget aboot him because she’s in love with him. As Jake struggles to process her unexpected declaration, Courtney lapses into self-pity and chastises herself for believing that any guy could ever be interested in someone like her (stick with this line of thinking, Courtney…you may be on to something). Jake counters that “lots of guys think you’re terrific” and Courtney defies him to name one. Garnering all of his confidence, Jake says, “Well, ME, for instance,” to which this insufferable musk ox replies, “That’s not what I mean. You’re just a friend, it’s totally different,” and somehow Jake refrains from leaping across the table and strangling her to death. In fact, he retains his atypical courage and momentum, desperately blurting oot, “Is that really what you think?! Courtney, there’s something I’ve got to say, there really is, because—” as Courtney cuts him off, gets up and says, “I’ve gotta run!” like the human crotch she is.
But this time, we don’t even get treated to a long shot of Jake’s frustrated face because Cindy, who apparently was standing behind a pillar eavesdropping the whole time, comes oot of the shadows and asks if something’s bugging Courtney. Jake says he doesn’t know, so Cindy sits down uninvited and says, “Well, there’s sure something bugging me. You wanna know something? We go to school with a bunch of zipperheads.” Ok, first of all, Cindy, buy a thesaurus and discover some new pejoratives. Secondly, zipperhead is a derogatory term for an Asian and if you’re not familiar with Asians, just look across the fucking table at the guy to whom you’re speaking. She accosts Jake with her unhinged environmental psychosis for a bit, then glances at the sketch pad he’s been scribbling in for the past few minutes. She picks it up and looks at it with admiration. Jake drew a frog. Cindy deems it “not half bad” and I don’t have the slightest fucking idea why they felt it necessary to insert this pointless scene into the episode but at least we now know that Jake can sketch a badass frog.
Deadpool enters Dylan’s garage and asks if he’s seen his sister lately. Apparently, Billy is just getting around to his promised fact-finding mission aboot Dylan’s feelings for Courtney, an episode and a half too late. Dylan responds by saying, “I like her…as a friend. I think she’s a good kid,” placing her into the exact same category as his young inquisitor. Mission apparently accomplished, Billy starts to leave, but Dylan calls him back, hands him a math assignment that’s due tomorrow morning, and asks Billy to turn it in for him because he’ll be ditching school to practice and write songs. Billy agrees and Dylan warns him not to forget, “it’s important”. Almost oot the door, Deadpool turns around and asks Dylan what’s going on between him and Brooke. Dylan concedes that they’re “sort of going oot…maybe” leading Billy to remind him that not long ago, he warned Deadpool that girls like Brooke are “big trouble”. Aware that he’s being called oot by a 12 year old, Dylan acknowledges his earlier admonition, adding, “but only if you get hung up on them.”
The Avalon. Matt and Ashley are together at a booth even though I’m pretty sure Matt dumped her whispering ass yesterday. Maybe he was in a blackoot when that happened. She whisper-worries, he yells, and round and round they go. The word “hassled” is bandied aboot liberally, as always. Just when you think a plot is finally resolved in this goddamn show, it rises from the dead and plays itself in an endless loop. Don’t get me wrong, this is a classic whisper-shout showdown between these two, but it’s one that we’ve already seen several times over and its placement at this particular point in the show makes no sense whatsoever.
Brooke is at Dylan’s garage asking him why he’s planning to skip school tomorrow. She warns him aboot jeopardizing his concert in a way that approaches genuine concern. They talk some more and then she gets up to leave. Before she reaches the door, Dylan tells her that there’s gossip going around aboot them going oot, then asks her if she thinks they’ll work as a couple, all the while stroking and caressing his guitar in a way that makes me increasingly uncomfortable with every interminable second of this sequence. Brooke’s reply is noncommittal. Dylan puts down his guitar, stands up and walks towards Brooke, saying, “You know something? I must be crazy…because I’m almost starting to think that I could get…hung up on you.” They embrace for a long, passionate kiss, at least by Fifteen standards, and Dylan reiterates that a guy being hung up on someone like Brooke “could get torn up”. You should’ve listened to Deadpool, Idiot. He’s wise beyond his years.