The Credits!

credit deadpool

Phew! That was one hell of a ride, wasn’t it, Kids?

At the conclusion of this magnum opus, it occurs to me that I am a 50 year old man who spent the better part of the last four months channeling his inner Tina Belcher, though I doubt I could ever match the sheer titillation of her criminally misunderstood erotic fan fiction.

fan fiction

And since you’ve come this far, why not stick around for the credits, eh? If you read all the way to the end, you might just be pleasantly surprised. You might also be in serious need of a social life, but who am I to judge?

Some Douchebag’s Miniseries

Starring God’s Perfect Idiot

A Few Hot Chicks

A Moody Teen

More Gratuitous Cameos Than I Can Count

Produced by:
Asshats

Written by:
The Real Hero Here

Directed by:
An Overpaid Tool

The Cast

Dylan Blackwell……….Christopher Martin

Ashley Walker……….Laura Harris

Matt Walker……….Todd Talbot

Chris McDonald……….Andrew Baskin

Roxane Lee……….Roxane Alexander

Brooke Morgan-Hoffman……….Robyn Ross

Courtney Simpson……….Sarah Nakatsuka (Douglas)

Bill Simpson……….Ryan Reynolds Hugh Jackman

Arseman Harrell……….Arseman Yohannes

Jake Deosdade……….Ken Angel

Stacy Collins……….Lisa Warner

Janice Patel……….Rekha Shah

Theresa Morgan-Reid……….Janine Cox

Kelly Lavoie……….Enuka Okuma

Jerry Dalla-Vecchia……….Randy Dalla-Vecchia

Tabitha Hoffman……….Cree Cicchino

Elliot Hoffman……….Chris Parnell

Isabelle Simpson……….Blake Lively

Valerie Lavoie……….Lisa Bonet

Nia Lavoie……….A Baby with Shitty Parents

Sister Regina……….Kristin Schaal

Craig……….Kevin Connolly

Leslie……….Aubrey Plaza

Olaf Koskinen……….Aubrey Nealon

Anna Koskinen……….Emily Ratajkowski

Barbara……….Miranda Cosgrove

Tony……….Jed Carpenter

Ben……….Bill Burr

Marjorie……….Allison Janney

Judge……….Ryan Stiles

James……….Patton Oswalt

Cindy……….Ahnee Boyce

John……….John Boyd

Marvel……….Marvel

Merci Beaucoup: David Makowski, Suzanne Craig-Whytock, Dave Cline, Tom C., and of course, Randy Dalla-Vecchia and Robyn Ross.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                

 

 

 

Halftime

bridge

Hey, Kids!  Since we’ve arrived at the halfway point of our reunion story, I thought it might be a good time to take a breather, stretch our legs, wash our hands 50 to 100 times and take stock of where we’re at.

*Spoiler Alert*  I know Chris was a pretty consistent thorn in my teenage side, but Jesus, Curmudgeon!  A fucking shank to the throat?  So much for subtlety, eh, Wordsworth?

Also, I couldn’t help but notice that you actually managed to plagiarize my fucking personality.  At least the inevitable rash of civil cases filed against you for this creative usurpation will establish some interesting legal precedents.  Whatever gets you in the history books, I say.

And now for the silver lining of that fucker of a microorganism called COVID-19.  It hasn’t escaped my attention that the programming choices on both network and cable TV have suddenly expanded in response to half the world living as shut-ins.  It’s the least they could do, really, but still a welcome diversion.  Last night, as I was responsibly self-quarantining, I noticed that Nick At Nite aired the pilot episode of Clarissa Explains It All, circa 1991.  Clarissa and Fifteen ran concurrently on Nickelodeon, which means we’re getting closer to a long-awaited return to syndication of the Greatest TV Show Of All Time!  You know what to do, Kids.  Let’s kick that letter writing campaign into full gear: Nick At Nite, 1515 Broadway, 44th Floor, New York, NY 10036.

We’ll be back with the second half of Fifty in two shakes on a urinal cake but for now, enjoy this little ditty from The Venue’s first big performer, Vancouver’s own New Pornographers:

Corrections, Retractions & Apologies

brain

Can you believe we’re not even two full episodes into the reunion and I already have to put my tail between my legs (note: I don’t really have a tail) and acknowledge some less than consistent things aboot the story thus far?  In order to distinguish my writing from that of the endearingly sloppy Ian Weir, I feel it necessary to clarify a few things:

  1. I originally had Dylan’s near death experience occur on December 24, 2021.  I went back and changed the date to December 28, 2021.  What the hell difference does that make, you ask?  A big one, really.  I followed up that scene with Ashley receiving Dylan’s text informing her that he almost died “last night”.  That would mean that Ashley received his text on Christmas Day, yet Matt was on his way to show a house.  Realtors don’t show homes on Christmas Day.  Ever.
  2. Some of you may have already seen my editor’s note on this one, but in case you missed it: Ashley and Matt are currently living in a suburb of Toronto, not Vancouver as I originally indicated.  This is significant, since several plots revolve around their current locale.  This has been corrected, too.
  3. Are there already too many major coincidences going on for you to continue suspending disbelief?  Are you upset aboot my decision to afflict Brooke with a frighteningly serious health condition?  If so, my reply on both counts is “too bad”.  Concerning the unlikely synchronicity of events, remember this is still a soap opera, thus such fantastical events aren’t just forgivable, they’re downright de rigueur.  And if you think I’m throwing too much at any individual character, I’m pretending that the original cast are reprising their roles as I write this.  Thus, if I found it appropriate to give Brooke cancer, that’s because such a nuanced performance of an empathetic adult remaining consistent with the narcissistic teenager she once was could only be pulled off by a top notch actor.  Robyn Ross would be more than capable.  You might have noticed I didn’t bother with much of a backstory for Who Farted.  Same reason, in reverse.
  4. Where the hell is Olaf, right?  Patience, dear readers.  Good things come to those who wait.

Thanks for your kind understanding.  We’ll return to our regularly scheduled program shortly.  In the meantime, here’s a word from our sponsor:

Reunion Teaser!

billy wow

Now that I know the precise location and function of Jesse’s duodenum, I think it’s time to start filling the gaps between online lessons with the first draft of my Fifteen reunion show script.  Alright, it’s a bit of a misnomer for me to call what’s to follow a “script” because I’ve decided to present it in more of a narrative form for easier reading because this is a blog (<– the dumbest non-word I’ve ever had to begrudgingly add to my vocabulary).  However, should the need arise (Why won’t you return my phone calls, Ryan?), I’m prepared to rework it into a script format at a moment’s notice.  Or someone else can do it for me.  I don’t know how these things work and the odds of this story finding a reason to work are slim to none, but I’m approaching it with every bit of optimism available in my paltry and ever-dwindling reserve thereof because I want this to be fun…

…but maybe not too fun?  Here’s where you can have some input, my friends, though my mind is all but made up aboot the uncharacteristically darker vibe this reunion story will take on.  Should I adjust the dialogue to reflect the times or is everything still tragic in the lives of the Hillside High Class of 93?  Less camp, more realism?  Or fuck realism, you can’t get enough of the glorious cheese?  An equal measure of both would be challenging, but I think I’m up to the task if that be the consensus. Feel free to leave any ideas you may have aboot possible scenarios involving your favorite Hillside alumni.  I’ll do my best to work any plots you’d like to see into the larger story.

Also…how would you ideally like to see this if it were an actual production?  Feature film?  Made for TV movie?  Miniseries?  This will give me an idea of whether or not I can pepper the dialogue with F bombs, as you all know I’m wont to do, but if the consensus is for family-friendly, that’s cool.  Believe it or not, I can work with that.

For now, all I can give you is this very short teaser of the opening scene I’ve envisioned.  If suggestions start to fill up the comments section, I’ll consider those before going any further.  Otherwise, I’ll be back in aboot a week or so to serve up the first full installment of Fifty: The Reunion!

luxor-hotel-casino-las-vegas

Backstage
Atrium Theater, Luxor Casino
Las Vegas, NV
December 24, 2021

Beep…beep…

“Do we have a pulse?”

“Yeah.  Blood pressure 180 over 110 and rising.  Prepare the defibrillator and try to find a contact while I stabilize him for transport and wipe this shit off his face.”

“Does he have a phone?”

“Yeah, here.  Call it into General, too.  Dylan Blackwell, 45-year-old male Caucasian, possible narcotic overdose resulting in cardiac arrest.  Judging from the marquee, he probably did the audience a favor.  Who the hell does a Hendrix tribute in blackface, for Christ’s sake?”

Beep…beep…beeeeeeeeeeeeeeppp

 

Happy New Year & T.T.F.N.

15 jess

Did I just miss something here?

If you’ll indulge me, my friends, I’d like to break the fourth wall one more time here at Notes From The Avalon for a quick year end wrap-up.

What a fucking relief it is to relegate 2019 to the rear-view.  As the country in which I live descended further into the quagmire of racism, fascism and xenophobia, I knew that withoot a reliable diversion, I might very well have thrown in the towel and succumbed to despair.  (Fifteen to the rescue!) In retrospect, such a decision would have been downright tragic.

If there is one single lesson that I hope my humble web page imparted, it’s this: no matter how bleak and frightening reality may become, you can always take refuge at The Avalon, where everyone is always welcome.

A few odds & ends to close oot the year:

Coming Soon: Fifty – The Reunion

The only planned future addition to this page that may will appear in the upcoming year is a script I’m fixing to write for the upcoming Fifteen reunion show that (currently) exists purely in my imagination.  There’s no strict timeline for this as I’ll be spending much of the first half of the year getting certified as a veterinary tech, but it will be complete and online before 2020 fades into the long march of history.

Robyn & Randy

You are nothing short of royalty ‘round these parts. As a former online purveyor of philosophical pontification, I’m sure it comes as no surprise to hear that my sudden decision to devote all my writing in 2019 to the analysis of Fifteen was met by considerable confusion from my former readers.  The fact that you both recently acknowledged and complimented this little project is nothing short of a total vindication, but that’s not the real reason for my enormous appreciation of your kind words.  In case this wasn’t apparent through my chosen comedic style (i.e. an incessant barrage of vulgar mockery), the truth is that I was and still am a HUGE fan of the show of which you both were such an integral part.  It means everything to me that you loved my tribute to your show.  I love you back…

One Good Turn Deserves Another

…and that’s not all.  Everybody knows what Ryan Reynolds has been up to for the past quarter of a century, but perhaps you’re unaware of the fact that Robyn Ross is a phenomenal actor.  (If I’m not mistaken, we don’t say “actress” anymore, right?  I wouldn’t want to be politically incorrect, lest people think I’m a fucking retard).  If you met that claim with even a scintilla of skepticism, go watch a 2014 independent film called “Suck It Up, Buttercup”.  It’s not for the squeamish, but this gritty and honest depiction of the insidiousness of addiction left me nearly speechless, and Robyn’s stellar performance was the indisputable heart of the film.  Just brilliant.

buttercup

…The Professor and MaryAnne

Just in case anyone else of direct significance should stumble upon my little Hillside-centric corner of the internet, all my love to the rest of the cast, too, of course — even (especially) you, Sarah (Douglas) and Lisa (Warner).  Sometimes immature little boys don’t know how to express feelings of affection, so we resort to relentless ridicule.  The fact is, Fifteen and by extension, this blog would have been nothing withoot you.

Reading Iz Fundamental

Speaking of exciting creative ventures emanating from the Great White North, loyal Avalon friend Suzanne of MyDangBlog! published her second book this year, entitled The Dome.  Buy it.  Read it.  You’re welcome.

the dome

 

Happy New Year!

Friends of The Avalon, one and all: Jesse and I wish you a motherfucking awesome year to come, because you truly deserve nothing less.

Until the next time…

dvd

Boxing Day Eve: Recognizing Recognition

deadpool

Happy Boxing Day Eve, Hillside Fans!  First-rate blogger and long-time Avalon denizen Tom of TomBeingTom.com has chosen me, among others, to be an honored recipient of a non-existent award aptly entitled The Blogger Recognition Award, necessitating this temporary, set-to-self-destruct post recognizing Tom’s humbling recognition of the web’s indisputable premier destination.

Apparently, we’re to tell our blogging origin story as part of this online acceptance speech, so I’ll keep mine as succinct as possible.  Notes From The Avalon was not my first blog, but it is the only one worth mentioning since it is the only one still in existence.  Earlier this year, while wasting time on YouTube for the better part of an afternoon, it became apparent that the “Information Superhighway” contains precious little information aboot the greatest television program that ever aired.  “Somebody should do something aboot this,” thought I, and thus Notes From The Avalon was born.  If you were hoping for something a bit more detailed regarding my relationship with Fifteen, I elucidated much of that in this post from back in June, along with the only picture of my ugly mug to appear on this page: Breaking The Band.

Thank you, Tom!  And to all of my friends north and south of the border: I wish you all a blessed and joyous Boxing Day and a prosperous 2020.

 

Featured

Gratitude / Episode Guide

dp-final.jpg

To everyone who played along with Notes From The Avalon, THANK YOU!!  You made it all worthwhile.  I’d also like to thank the cast and crew of Fifteen, as well as the entire nation of Canada for a bottomless supply of inspiration.  Although this officially marks the end of my run as a blogger, I do not intend to remove NFTA from the internet or sully its purity by utilizing it for writing aboot other topics– it is nothing less than my gift to humanity and my online legacy.

For anyone coming late to the party, below is a handy-dandy chronological guide to all of the episode posts.  Long live Fifteen!

Season 1

Intro – Deadpool: The High School Years

S.1 E.1 – The Nightmare Commences

S.1 E.2 – Freaks, Faggots, Drunks & Junkies

Intermission (Go For A Soda)

S.1 E.3 – Jag ar en javla nord

S.1 E.4 – Purgatorio

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

S.1 E.5 – No Exit

S.1 E.6 – Hinterlands

Season 1 Promo Trailer

S.1 E.7 – The Grapes

Six Hours On Facebook

S.1 E.8 – Sturm und Drang

S.1 E.9 – Revolving Doors To Hell

Mama Says Be Glad

S.1 E.10 – Party Till The World Obeys

S.1 E.11 – The Sorrow & The Pity

Fuck You (for Jake)

S.1 E.12 – Kiss of Death

S.1 E.13 – Nevermore

Season 2

Intro – Deadpool 2: Sophomore Year

S.2 E.1 – I Don’t Know You People…

S.2 E.2 – The Pariah

Happy Victoria Day!

S.2 E.3 – An Awkward Pause

S.2 E.4 – Return of the Phantom

S.2 E.5 – Hell Is For Children

Dear Jake

S.2 E.6 – Entropy Storm!

Baguette Battle

Janice: A Psychological Profile

S.2 E.7 – Boiling Point

S.2 E.8 – Breaking The Band

S.2 E.9 – Sanitarium

NFTA Wins An Award!

S.2 E.10 – Crime & Punishment

Conform Or Be Cast Oot

S.2 E.11 – That Scar Loo’s Nii

S.2 E.12 – Lollapalooza

S.2 E.13 – Chinese Foods

Season 3

Intro – Deadpool 3: Junior Year

S.3 E.1 – Danse Macabre

We’re Back!

S.3 E.2 – Rage Against The Machine

Friends of The Avalon

Miscellany (Feeding Your A.D.D.)

S.3 E.3 – Hair of the Dog

S.3 E.4 – Some Hospital Place

Ashley & Chris: A Reader Poll

S.3 E.5 – Sister Margaret’s Home For Wayward Girls

S.3 E.6 – Get Cool, Daddy-O

S.3 E.7 – Blue Velvet

An E-Mail From Deadpool

S.3 E.8 – TV Party

S.3 E.9 – JoJo Siwa On Infinite Repeat

Dreamline

S.3 E.10 – Wild Sex In The Working Class

S.3 E.11 – Joe Superstar

S.3 E.12 – Yoko

S.3 E.13 – Red Wedding

Season 4

Season 4: Deadpool Goes To Hell

Pre-Reunion Miscellany

Post Script: Vindication!

Boxing Day Eve: Recognizing Recognition

Happy New Year & T.T.F.N.

Fifty: The Reunion

Reunion Teaser!

Ep. 1, Pt. 1: Coming Home To Roost

Ep. 1, Pt. 2: Old Ghosts

Ep. 1, Pt. 3: YYZ

Ep. 2, Pt. 1: Karma Calling

Corrections, Retractions & Apologies

Ep. 2, Pt. 2: The Gathering Storm

Ep. 2, Pt. 3: Dog Days

Ep. 3, Pt. 1: Manifesting Destiny

Ep. 3, Pt. 2: Taking A Stand

Ep. 3, Pt. 3: Old Friends

Ep. 4, Pt. 1: Deviant Fates

Ep. 4, Pt. 2: Original Sin

Ep. 4, Pt. 3: Collateral Damage

Halftime

Ep. 5, Pt. 1: Bars & Bistros

Ep. 5, Pt. 2: Belated Betrayals

Ep. 6, Pt. 1: Reckonings

Ep. 6, Pt. 2: Morning Headlines

Ep. 7, Pt. 1: Lopun Alku

Ep. 7, Pt. 2: Interventions

Ep. 8, Finale: Requiem

The Credits!

That’s A Wrap

Season 4: Deadpool Goes To Hell

s4 intro

Season 4, Episodes 1 – 26

Even though very few readers of Notes From The Avalon have any recollection whatsoever of Fifteen’s existence, it must have gotten fairly good ratings for the first three seasons.  I can’t think of any other reason why Nickelodeon would have made the decision to shell oot a bunch more cash in order to double the size of the cast and the number of episodes for the show’s final season.  Know what they got for all that cash?  A steaming pile of dog shit.  Now, you may be wondering how I can differentiate between good and bad when we’re talking aboot the most poorly produced and abysmally acted TV show of all time, but there are two distinct types of “bad” when it comes to productions of this nature: the type that lends itself to endless mockery and which we end up finding hopelessly endearing for this very reason, and the type that’s so bad that it doesn’t even deserve to be mocked.  Fifteen’s unfortunate fourth season is of the latter variety.  Even though over 5 years elapsed between the final episode of Fifteen and the premiere of Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place, it still boggles the mind that Ryan Reynolds managed to eke oot such a successful Hollywood career after having had such a ubiquitous presence in the 26-episode mess to which this post is dedicated.

As you know, Brooke is no longer in the show and neither is Courtney.  At least they went to the trouble of writing Brooke oot of the script properly.  For Headband, they use the exact same lazy explanation that was employed for Theresa’s sudden disappearance at the start of Season 2: “she’s off at that school for the arts”.  I don’t have a clue what the fuck happened to Jake and Erin.

Let’s take a quick look at the horrible new Season 4 characters who, taken collectively, form the primary reason that I cannot re-watch these 26 god-awful episodes for individual analysis.  First, there’s Pepper, Dave’s repulsive little sister.  This rubber-faced, ginger-haired parasite serves no discernible purpose, but she gets more screen time than almost anyone else even though the only plot revolving around her is an ultimately successful bid to get on the boys’ soccer team.  I used to wonder how she achieved such an undeserved starring role until I found oot that the actress’ full name is Pepper Binkley.  Coincidence?  Next, there’s Jennifer, an obvious but woefully inadequate Brooke replacement.  Sure, she’s kind of a manipulative bitch, but she manages to be completely unentertaining in the process and the actress playing her possesses none of Robyn Ross’ unearthly emotive qualities.  She has a brainy little brother named Jason who doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as the rest of the incoming cast, but he’s never involved in anything exciting.  Micah is a kid on Pepper’s soccer team.  Liz is… Liz.  Characters don’t come more nondescript than this top-heavy anthropomorphic Valium pill.  Loyal, who is introduced in the last few episodes of the series, is Billy’s new stepbrother.  I’ll put as much effort into my critique of this character as the writers employed in the process of crafting him: he sucks.  Russ is the only new addition to the Hillside student body that doesn’t piss me off.  He was the nameless accordion player in round 2 of last season’s talent contest and even though he usually kicks around with the boring new characters I’ve already mentioned, I can tell that he would have fit in nicely had he been introduced sooner in the series and he also plays a pivotal role in the curious transformation of Chris towards the end of the season.  Finally, there’s Brittany, a new arrival whose alleged sexiness I personally find to be very overstated.  Regardless, all the guys at Hillside go absolutely ga-ga over this vapid, self-absorbed American dick tease, especially Deadpool who makes a first-class ass of himself in the desperate pursuit of her affections.

Now the good stuff.  I’ll dedicate the rest of this post to a character-by-character summary of the Season 4 story arcs for each of Hillside’s veteran students – Dylan, Matt, Ashley, Billy, Arseman, Roxanne, Chris, Dave and Who Farted.

Dylan

For the first few episodes, everyone’s favorite dropoot just sort of treads water in his self-imposed exile.  Occasionally, Arseman drops by the garage to offer moral support and seek comfort after the death of her grandmother, leading to an inevitable and ill-advised romance between Leather Jacket and Sassy Pants.  Eventually, Dylan lands a job at the 3-table café attached to the only clothing store in the mall that these little shits ever patronize.  His uniform consists of an apron over a humbling bright pink shirt, but the worst part of all this is his frequent utterance of the word café, which for some reason, Corky Martin pronounces “c’fé”.  Near the middle of the season, Dylan’s parents kick him oot, rendering him homeless.  After spending a night sleeping in the park, Matt rallies to his aid and lets him move in and sleep on a couch in his basement.  So now Hillside’s former mortal enemies have become roommates, something aboot which they both marvel aloud with such frequency that I honestly believe there is no limit to their oot-sized incredulity.  While living on Matt’s couch and ostensibly dating Arseman, Dylan starts getting so cozy with Ashley – often right in front of Matt’s face – that I often expect them to just undress and start boinking right in his basement.  Understandably (and far later than you’d expect), both Matt and Arseman reach the ends of their respective ropes aboot the shameless public treachery of their significant others.  Arseman is so hurt at the sight of seeing her best friend and her boyfriend feeling each other up that she buggers off to Mexico and sits oot the last 5 episodes of the season.  Matt, however, after briefly venting his justified ootrage at this turn of events, decides to forgive everyone involved and suffer in silent martyrdom, even continuing to let Dylan crash in his basement.  Dylan, of course, starts dating Ashley and with her encouragement, enrolls in an “alternative school” to complete the remaining credits needed for his high school diploma.  At one point, he punches the cool right oot of Chris at the mall café, but I’ll save the details of that plot for Chris’ overview.  Finally, towards the tail end of the series, while still dating Ashley, Billy drops by the café and sees him hanging around with some hot chick he met at the alternative school.  The series ends before we get the full story here, but the clear implication is that Dylan the Scamp is incapable of romantic fidelity.

dylan cafe

Matt

St. Matthew of Hillside High.  The writers take such pains to turn Matt into the quintessential “stand-up guy” that he nearly morphs into Dostoyevsky’s Idiot.  For the first half of the season, he and Ashley are so in love that it seems nothing could possibly come between them.  Then all the betrayal ootlined in the previous paragraph goes down, but our former eternally hassled drunk develops the ability to meet all adversity with Zen-like acceptance.  Towards the end of the season, Matt finds oot that his father is being transferred, so the entire family will be moving clear across the country in the very near future.  In the meantime, he continues to let Dylan crash on his sofa and molest his ex-girlfriend in plain sight.  For his selfless actions throughoot the season, Dylan has a trophy made to memorialize Matt as an ootstanding role model or some shit, to be permanently displayed in Hillside’s trophy case.

Ashley

I guess I kind of already covered Ashley’s story in the process of talking aboot Dylan and Matt, so I’ll simply add that my only regret at the conclusion of the series is the fact that we never get to see her reaction to Dylan’s infidelity.  For some reason, though Ashley is still mentioned often, Laura Harris fails to appear in the last five episodes of the series.

Billy

Jesus, Ryan.  How in the fuck did you manage to fight your way through the painfully ridiculous plots Ian Weir relentlessly threw at you in this season?  To be as succinct as possible, since Billy’s bullying phase has come to an end, he now has plenty of time to dedicate to the development and fine-tuning of the qualities and skills required of a shameless whore.  Deadpool works his way, respectively, through Who Farted (this is mercifully brief, but no less unforgivable for being so), Roxanne and Brittany.  Believe it or not, it’s actually Billy that shit-cans Roxanne when his libido decides that newcomer Brittany is far more worthy of his attention.  Brittany’s effect on Deadpool is to turn him into a blithering idiot of transcontinental proportions.  Since she seems to have a thing for jocks, he joins the football team in an effort to impress her.  Then he scores tickets to a Salt ‘N Pepa concert, neglects to invite Roxanne who he’s still ostensibly dating in the hopes that he can woo Brittany with an invitation, and ultimately has the whole thing blow up in his face, leaving him through a convoluted series of events to end up taking Jennifer’s geeky little brother Jason to the show.  I am 100% convinced that Ryan Reynolds was giving a sly nod to his largely unknown participation in Fifteen when he made “Shoop” by Salt N’ Pepa such a centerpiece of the first Deadpool film.  Oh, and then for a few episodes towards the end of the season, Billy also has to pretend that his stepbrother Loyal is anything but an unnecessary leap on water skis over a caged Great White.

Arseman

Her grandmother dies and the writers spend at least the first half a dozen episodes of the season trying to make us care aboot the demise of an unseen character who’d never even been mentioned before she fucking croaked.  Regardless, her habit of commiserating with Dylan over the loss leads to an unplanned kiss that leads to a relationship marked by betrayal and neglect.  As I already said, Arseman’s reaction to Dylan publicly cavorting with Ashley is to take a trip to Mexico with her family (sans Grandma) and sit oot the last 5 episodes.

Roxanne

Roxanne mellows a bit this season, even treating Who Farted like a friend as opposed to the gnat-like annoyance she is.  Early on, she counsels Who Farted to change her look, prompting her new tagalong to show up at Hillside dressed in black leather and chains, inspiring the justified mockery of her peers.  At the onset, she’s still dating Chris, but when the already precarious couple gets their turn to perform a concert at The Avalon, it’s such an utter disaster that Roxanne breaks up with her perpetually antagonistic boyfriend right on stage in front of the entire student body.  Shortly thereafter, she starts dating Billy until he fucks her over in favor of new arrival Brittany.  Towards the end of the season, a short-lived plot develops wherein Roxanne hesitantly admits that her father hit her – once – and then apologized for it immediately thereafter.  This hardly rises to the level of high drama, but they treat it with all the implied intensity of an After School Special.  Finally, when she sees Chris develop a new compassionate streak in his budding friendship with leukemia-stricken Russ, she agrees to explore the possibilities of romantically reuniting with him, but only after they take some time to get to know each other better.

Chris

After being publicly kicked to the curb by Roxanne, Hillside’s resident dirt bag just sort of drifts along being a pain in everyone’s ass until he decides to show up at the mall café and provoke Dylan into a fight.  Averse to jeopardizing his job, Dylan suggests that they meet up behind The Avalon the following day to duke it oot.  When Chris and a crowd of gawkers arrive at The Avalon to find that Dylan failed to show up, they head to the mall to confront him.  After several attempts to defuse the situation, Dylan finally knocks the swagger right oot of him with a single punch to the gut.  Chris is never the same after this public humiliation.  Shortly thereafter, he scrapes past Russ in The Avalon and is confused to see that such a slight bump causes Russ some pretty severe distress.  After several episodes of Russ going to doctors and getting tested, he finally divulges to Chris that he has leukemia.  From this point on, Chris starts wearing Matt-style polo shirts and showing up at Russ’ house to drop off homework and offer oddly antagonistic-sounding moral support to his new little terminally ill friend.

Dave

Believe it or not, Dave actually manages to adopt several more shades of boring for the fourth and final season.  He essentially spends all 26 episodes getting repeatedly fucked over by Who Farted while simultaneously realizing that there’s not a chance in hell that he’ll ever win the affections of someone better.  Also, since the hideous Pepper is his little sister, her frequent presence at his side transforms David O’Brien from inconsequential to utterly unwatchable.

Who Farted

I saved the worst for last.  As bad as she’s been all along, in Season 4, Who Farted takes intolerable to a whole new level.  She starts pseudo-dating Dave, then accepts Deadpool’s invitation to a party being thrown in Matt’s basement and claims that she had every right to do so since Dave never bothered to “officially” invite her.  Whenever someone, especially Dave, dares to call her oot on her general shittiness and self-absorption, she reacts by confronting the individual with that ever-increasing motorized groan that prefaces her every word and in the snottiest of tones, sneering shit like, “I suppose you’re all mad at me now!” as if this somehow turns the tables and exonerates her for being a hideous douche canoe.  Fuck you, Who Farted.  Just fuck you.

wf leather

Thus ends the greatest television show ever to grace a box of tubular cathode rays.  On behalf of the entire Hillside student body and your humble narrator, thanks for watching.