Season 4, Episodes 1 – 26

Even though very few readers of Notes From The Avalon have any recollection whatsoever of Fifteen’s existence, it must have gotten fairly good ratings for the first three seasons.  I can’t think of any other reason why Nickelodeon would have made the decision to shell oot a bunch more cash in order to double the size of the cast and the number of episodes for the show’s final season.  Know what they got for all that cash?  A steaming pile of dog shit.  Now, you may be wondering how I can differentiate between good and bad when we’re talking aboot the most poorly produced and abysmally acted TV show of all time, but there are two distinct types of “bad” when it comes to productions of this nature: the type that lends itself to endless mockery and which we end up finding hopelessly endearing for this very reason, and the type that’s so bad that it doesn’t even deserve to be mocked.  Fifteen’s unfortunate fourth season is of the latter variety.  Even though over 5 years elapsed between the final episode of Fifteen and the premiere of Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place, it still boggles the mind that Ryan Reynolds managed to eke oot such a successful Hollywood career after having had such a ubiquitous presence in the 26-episode mess to which this post is dedicated.

As you know, Brooke is no longer in the show and neither is Courtney.  At least they went to the trouble of writing Brooke oot of the script properly.  For Headband, they use the exact same lazy explanation that was employed for Theresa’s sudden disappearance at the start of Season 2: “she’s off at that school for the arts”.  I don’t have a clue what the fuck happened to Jake and Erin.

Let’s take a quick look at the horrible new Season 4 characters who, taken collectively, form the primary reason that I cannot re-watch these 26 god-awful episodes for individual analysis.  First, there’s Pepper, Dave’s repulsive little sister.  This rubber-faced, ginger-haired parasite serves no discernible purpose, but she gets more screen time than almost anyone else even though the only plot revolving around her is an ultimately successful bid to get on the boys’ soccer team.  I used to wonder how she achieved such an undeserved starring role until I found oot that the actress’ full name is Pepper Binkley.  Coincidence?  Next, there’s Jennifer, an obvious but woefully inadequate Brooke replacement.  Sure, she’s kind of a manipulative bitch, but she manages to be completely unentertaining in the process and the actress playing her possesses none of Robyn Ross’ unearthly emotive qualities.  She has a brainy little brother named Jason who doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as the rest of the incoming cast, but he’s never involved in anything exciting.  Micah is a kid on Pepper’s soccer team.  Liz is… Liz.  Characters don’t come more nondescript than this top-heavy anthropomorphic Valium pill.  Loyal, who is introduced in the last few episodes of the series, is Billy’s new stepbrother.  I’ll put as much effort into my critique of this character as the writers employed in the process of crafting him: he sucks.  Russ is the only new addition to the Hillside student body that doesn’t piss me off.  He was the nameless accordion player in round 2 of last season’s talent contest and even though he usually kicks around with the boring new characters I’ve already mentioned, I can tell that he would have fit in nicely had he been introduced sooner in the series and he also plays a pivotal role in the curious transformation of Chris towards the end of the season.  Finally, there’s Brittany, a new arrival whose alleged sexiness I personally find to be very overstated.  Regardless, all the guys at Hillside go absolutely ga-ga over this vapid, self-absorbed American dick tease, especially Deadpool who makes a first-class ass of himself in the desperate pursuit of her affections.

Now the good stuff.  I’ll dedicate the rest of this post to a character-by-character summary of the Season 4 story arcs for each of Hillside’s veteran students – Dylan, Matt, Ashley, Billy, Arseman, Roxanne, Chris, Dave and Who Farted.

Dylan

For the first few episodes, everyone’s favorite dropoot just sort of treads water in his self-imposed exile.  Occasionally, Arseman drops by the garage to offer moral support and seek comfort after the death of her grandmother, leading to an inevitable and ill-advised romance between Leather Jacket and Sassy Pants.  Eventually, Dylan lands a job at the 3-table café attached to the only clothing store in the mall that these little shits ever patronize.  His uniform consists of an apron over a humbling bright pink shirt, but the worst part of all this is his frequent utterance of the word café, which for some reason, Corky Martin pronounces “c’fé”.  Near the middle of the season, Dylan’s parents kick him oot, rendering him homeless.  After spending a night sleeping in the park, Matt rallies to his aid and lets him move in and sleep on a couch in his basement.  So now Hillside’s former mortal enemies have become roommates, something aboot which they both marvel aloud with such frequency that I honestly believe there is no limit to their oot-sized incredulity.  While living on Matt’s couch and ostensibly dating Arseman, Dylan starts getting so cozy with Ashley – often right in front of Matt’s face – that I often expect them to just undress and start boinking right in his basement.  Understandably (and far later than you’d expect), both Matt and Arseman reach the ends of their respective ropes aboot the shameless public treachery of their significant others.  Arseman is so hurt at the sight of seeing her best friend and her boyfriend feeling each other up that she buggers off to Mexico and sits oot the last 5 episodes of the season.  Matt, however, after briefly venting his justified ootrage at this turn of events, decides to forgive everyone involved and suffer in silent martyrdom, even continuing to let Dylan crash in his basement.  Dylan, of course, starts dating Ashley and with her encouragement, enrolls in an “alternative school” to complete the remaining credits needed for his high school diploma.  At one point, he punches the cool right oot of Chris at the mall café, but I’ll save the details of that plot for Chris’ overview.  Finally, towards the tail end of the series, while still dating Ashley, Billy drops by the café and sees him hanging around with some hot chick he met at the alternative school.  The series ends before we get the full story here, but the clear implication is that Dylan the Scamp is incapable of romantic fidelity.

Matt

St. Matthew of Hillside High.  The writers take such pains to turn Matt into the quintessential “stand-up guy” that he nearly morphs into Dostoyevsky’s Idiot.  For the first half of the season, he and Ashley are so in love that it seems nothing could possibly come between them.  Then all the betrayal ootlined in the previous paragraph goes down, but our former eternally hassled drunk develops the ability to meet all adversity with Zen-like acceptance.  Towards the end of the season, Matt finds oot that his father is being transferred, so the entire family will be moving clear across the country in the very near future.  In the meantime, he continues to let Dylan crash on his sofa and molest his ex-girlfriend in plain sight.  For his selfless actions throughoot the season, Dylan has a trophy made to memorialize Matt as an ootstanding role model or some shit, to be permanently displayed in Hillside’s trophy case.

Ashley

I guess I kind of already covered Ashley’s story in the process of talking aboot Dylan and Matt, so I’ll simply add that my only regret at the conclusion of the series is the fact that we never get to see her reaction to Dylan’s infidelity.  For some reason, though Ashley is still mentioned often, Laura Harris fails to appear in the last five episodes of the series.

Billy

Jesus, Ryan.  How in the fuck did you manage to fight your way through the painfully ridiculous plots Ian Weir relentlessly threw at you in this season?  To be as succinct as possible, since Billy’s bullying phase has come to an end, he now has plenty of time to dedicate to the development and fine-tuning of the qualities and skills required of a shameless whore.  Deadpool works his way, respectively, through Who Farted (this is mercifully brief, but no less unforgivable for being so), Roxanne and Brittany.  Believe it or not, it’s actually Billy that shit-cans Roxanne when his libido decides that newcomer Brittany is far more worthy of his attention.  Brittany’s effect on Deadpool is to turn him into a blithering idiot of transcontinental proportions.  Since she seems to have a thing for jocks, he joins the football team in an effort to impress her.  Then he scores tickets to a Salt ‘N Pepa concert, neglects to invite Roxanne who he’s still ostensibly dating in the hopes that he can woo Brittany with an invitation, and ultimately has the whole thing blow up in his face, leaving him through a convoluted series of events to end up taking Jennifer’s geeky little brother Jason to the show.  I am 100% convinced that Ryan Reynolds was giving a sly nod to his largely unknown participation in Fifteen when he made “Shoop” by Salt N’ Pepa such a centerpiece of the first Deadpool film.  Oh, and then for a few episodes towards the end of the season, Billy also has to pretend that his stepbrother Loyal is anything but an unnecessary leap on water skis over a caged Great White.

Arseman

Her grandmother dies and the writers spend at least the first half a dozen episodes of the season trying to make us care aboot the demise of an unseen character who’d never even been mentioned before she fucking croaked.  Regardless, her habit of commiserating with Dylan over the loss leads to an unplanned kiss that leads to a relationship marked by betrayal and neglect.  As I already said, Arseman’s reaction to Dylan publicly cavorting with Ashley is to take a trip to Mexico with her family (sans Grandma) and sit oot the last 5 episodes.

Roxanne

Roxanne mellows a bit this season, even treating Who Farted like a friend as opposed to the gnat-like annoyance she is.  Early on, she counsels Who Farted to change her look, prompting her new tagalong to show up at Hillside dressed in black leather and chains, inspiring the justified mockery of her peers.  At the onset, she’s still dating Chris, but when the already precarious couple gets their turn to perform a concert at The Avalon, it’s such an utter disaster that Roxanne breaks up with her perpetually antagonistic boyfriend right on stage in front of the entire student body.  Shortly thereafter, she starts dating Billy until he fucks her over in favor of new arrival Brittany.  Towards the end of the season, a short-lived plot develops wherein Roxanne hesitantly admits that her father hit her – once – and then apologized for it immediately thereafter.  This hardly rises to the level of high drama, but they treat it with all the implied intensity of an After School Special.  Finally, when she sees Chris develop a new compassionate streak in his budding friendship with leukemia-stricken Russ, she agrees to explore the possibilities of romantically reuniting with him, but only after they take some time to get to know each other better.

Chris

After being publicly kicked to the curb by Roxanne, Hillside’s resident dirt bag just sort of drifts along being a pain in everyone’s ass until he decides to show up at the mall café and provoke Dylan into a fight.  Averse to jeopardizing his job, Dylan suggests that they meet up behind The Avalon the following day to duke it oot.  When Chris and a crowd of gawkers arrive at The Avalon to find that Dylan failed to show up, they head to the mall to confront him.  After several attempts to defuse the situation, Dylan finally knocks the swagger right oot of him with a single punch to the gut.  Chris is never the same after this public humiliation.  Shortly thereafter, he scrapes past Russ in The Avalon and is confused to see that such a slight bump causes Russ some pretty severe distress.  After several episodes of Russ going to doctors and getting tested, he finally divulges to Chris that he has leukemia.  From this point on, Chris starts wearing Matt-style polo shirts and showing up at Russ’ house to drop off homework and offer oddly antagonistic-sounding moral support to his new little terminally ill friend.

Dave

Believe it or not, Dave actually manages to adopt several more shades of boring for the fourth and final season.  He essentially spends all 26 episodes getting repeatedly fucked over by Who Farted while simultaneously realizing that there’s not a chance in hell that he’ll ever win the affections of someone better.  Also, since the hideous Pepper is his little sister, her frequent presence at his side transforms David O’Brien from inconsequential to utterly unwatchable.

Who Farted

I saved the worst for last.  As bad as she’s been all along, in Season 4, Who Farted takes intolerable to a whole new level.  She starts pseudo-dating Dave, then accepts Deadpool’s invitation to a party being thrown in Matt’s basement and claims that she had every right to do so since Dave never bothered to “officially” invite her.  Whenever someone, especially Dave, dares to call her oot on her general shittiness and self-absorption, she reacts by confronting the individual with that ever-increasing motorized groan that prefaces her every word and in the snottiest of tones, sneering shit like, “I suppose you’re all mad at me now!” as if this somehow turns the tables and exonerates her for being a hideous douche canoe.  Fuck you, Who Farted.  Just fuck you.

Thus ends the greatest television show ever to grace a box of tubular cathode rays.  On behalf of the entire Hillside student body and your humble narrator, thanks for watching.

Season 3, Episode 13

Show them how it feels to lose what they love. – Catelyn Stark

This is it.  The final episode of the third season of Fifteen.  It’s been quite a ride, eh?  Although I will post an overview of what happens to the remaining veteran characters in the otherwise unwatchable fourth season, this is the last of the grand episode summaries covering what I consider to be the classic seasons of the show.  Before we get down to business, here are a few thoughts aboot the last episode that I neglected to include in its synopsis:

• Dave’s performance in Courtney’s play is the first and only time I have ever witnessed an actor put effort into overacting the act of underacting.
• When Chris asks Tony and Ben how they know Roxanne, Tony answers that they belong to “a kind of club”, causing Ben to react with a sinister laugh and sarcastically remark, “Yeah, that’s what it is”. I can only think of two possible things for which “a club” might be a euphemism in this case: 1) they belong to a gang, perhaps of the white supremacist variety; 2) they cook meth.  I knew Roxanne was a badass, but this kinda takes things to a whole new level.
• Suzanne, the mind behind MyDangBlog!, has an eye for detail, as she noticed some striking similarities between Roxanne’s extra-curricular acquaintances and another renowned Canadian TV duo. Extrapolating from her observation, let’s do a little predictive time-lapse to get an idea of what Tony and Ben might look like today:

We open in the student lounge on a curiously extended shot of Jake’s brooding face.  It lingers on screen long enough for me to briefly wonder if the DVR froze up until we finally hear Matt continue the somber conversation in progress.

Matt:  Okay, I guess I could feel a little better.  I mean…if things weren’t quite so, well, confusing.

Jake:  “Things” meaning Ashley?

Matt:  Yeah.

Jake:  Yeah, that’s kind of what I was wondering aboot.

Matt:  Courtney says she broke up with me because she couldn’t handle hurting Ashley’s feelings.  As far as I can see, Ashley doesn’t care one way or the other!  So where does that leave me?

Jake:  Confused.

Matt:  Bingo.  Ah, look, I don’t even want to think aboot it.  I’d just wreck a perfectly good day.  I’ll see ya around.

Who Farted walks into The Avalon and spots Roxanne sitting at the counter.  She asks her newest girl-crush if she heard the news aboot Brooke, then elaborates that she found oot Brooke is going to be leaving Hillside to spend a year in Paris, adding something aboot Brooke’s father belonging to a “service club” that facilitates exchange student programs or some such shit that I admittedly just kinda tuned oot.  As Roxanne reacts to the news, Brooke breezes into the café.

Brooke:  Bon jour!

Roxanne:  Give me a break.

Brooke:  Guess what?

Roxanne:  We know.  Paris.

Brooke:  Oh, it’s wonderful!  Tres wonderful!  N’est-ce pas?

Roxanne:  Oh yeah, it’s terrific!

Brooke:  Thanks!

Roxanne:  Because it means we won’t have to see you for 12 whole months!

Brooke:  Exactly.  Which means I won’t have to see you people for a whole year, either, which is the best part of all!

Brooke walks off as Roxanne turns to Who Farted.

Roxanne:  You tell me you’re gonna miss her, I’ll stuff your head in the sink.

WF:  Hey, would I say something like that?

Matt sees Dave at his locker and compliments him on his performance in the play, causing Dave to marvel at his newfound popularity, explaining that even girls are talking to him so there’s a chance he might even be able to convince some of them to dance with him tonight.  Aside from a hand-printed sign just visible through the small window of the door into the locker vestibule in the last episode that read “Dance – Friday – Gym”, this is our first official notice that there will be a dance at the Hillside gym tonight.  Spotting Ashley standing by the bulletin board on the other side of the lounge, Matt stops paying attention to Dave and strolls over for another round of masochistic miscommunication with his old flame.  They both confirm that they’re going to the dance alone, but before Matt gets a chance to ask if she’d like to go with him, she once again vaguely indicates that she has to run and cuts him off before he can deliver the dreaded invite.

Later at The Avalon, Jake is miraculously managing to make Ashley ever-so-hesitantly own up to the fact that she still has feelings for Matt.  He tells her that “it’s pretty obvious” and admonishes that since this is the case, she’s got to talk to him aboot it, sending her into a low budget daydream of reignited love.

A day late and a dollar short, Courtney approaches Deadpool at the soda machine and reams him oot for his recent spate of bullying.  Dylan may have put an end to Billy’s reign of terror, but he still clearly harbors an assload of justified animosity towards his horrible sister.  Billy splits as Matt comes down the stairs to get himself a soda.  Courtney says hi, he says hi back and then the fucking scene just ends right there.  I re-watched this 5 second clip a few times before moving on just to make sure I didn’t miss any subtle looks or mannerisms that might have served to infuse this exchange with some discernible purpose, but nope, that was it.

Billy sees Dave studying at a booth in The Avalon.  He strikes a contrite tone and nearly apologizes for having been such a douchebag before losing his nerve and saying, “Just forget it,” as he turns and flees the café.

In the student lounge, Courtney and Arseman are flapping their gums aboot the difficulty of getting through to Billy lately before Headband changes the subject and tells Sassy Pants that she finally had a big talk with Matt wherein they both apologized to each other for how everything went down.  Arseman cheerily remarks that now they can go back to being friends again.

Courtney:  Absolutely.  Sure.  That’s just what I wanted.  To get back to being friends again.

Arseman:  Hang on.  If that’s what you wanted, then why aren’t you looking a little more cheerful?  Courtney?

Courtney:  Because it’s NOT what I want!

Arseman:  You don’t want to be friends with Matt? (holy fuck, you’re retarded, Arseman)

Courtney:  I wanna be more than friends with him!  A lot more!  I have wanted that for ages, but every time it almost happens, I find another way to screw it up!

That’s right.  Will this brief moment of self-awareness extend to a realization that it’s now officially too fucking late for you to try again, or are you gonna go for round four to maximize Matt’s alcoholic relapse potential?  The timer on my media player indicates that your remaining time at Hillside High is precisely 14 and a half minutes.  Better make up your mind fast, Headband.  Your entire legacy is at stake.

Dylan’s strumming his guitar in the garage when Billy enters.  He thanks Leather Jacket for setting him straight and for exercising restraint in the process, and just like that, Dylan and Deadpool are friends again.  After filling him in on how things are going at home, Billy tells Dylan that he’s heading over to the dance and asks if he wants to come.

Dylan:  Are you kidding?  I don’t go to Hillside School anymore.  I’m a dropoot.  Dropoots don’t get to go to school dances.  Have a good time.

Meanwhile, Chris and Roxanne are venting their mutual animosity at The Avalon counter.

Chris:  Are you gonna finish that?

Roxanne:  I’m working on it.

Chris:  (checking his watch)  God, it’s 25 after 7:00!

Roxanne:  So?

Chris:  The dance starts at 7:30.

Roxanne:  What’s your hurry?  I thought you really didn’t want to go in the first place!

Chris:  I don’t!  School dances are totally boring.  But if we’re gonna go, we might as well do it.

Roxanne:  We’ll go just as soon as Tony and Ben get here.

Chris:  Tony and Ben?

Roxanne:  Yeah.  I invited them to come along.

Chris:  But the school dance is supposed to be for Hillside students only.  Tony and Ben don’t go to Hillside.

Roxanne:  What is your point?

Chris:  Well, how are they supposed to get in?

Roxanne:  By walking through the front door, obviously.  Same as everyone else.

In the student lounge, bunches of bright red balloons cast a reddish hue across the walls and confetti litters the floor.  Did you notice I said “student lounge”?  This is not the gym.  At this point, I view Hillside’s mythical gymnasium the same way I do the Chupacabra.  We can debate “what ifs” all day long, but it won’t lend any further credence to either of these legendary entities.

Courtney approaches Jake and asks him to dance, but he declines on the basis of his abysmal lack of coordination and offers to get them both a drink instead.  As he departs for the refreshment table, Brooke swoops in with a voluminous “Bon Jour!” and makes sure that Headband is all caught up on her impending yearlong Parisian odyssey.

The Aryan Nation swaggers through the door into the locker vestibule and encounters Dave standing alone on the stairs.

Ben:  What are you starin’ at?!

Dave:  Nothing!  (to Chris and Roxanne) Who are those guys?

Chris:  What’s it to you?

Dave:  Well, they don’t go to Hillside, right?  So they’re not exactly supposed to be here.

Roxanne:  Why don’t you go kick them oot, then?

Dave:  Look, all I’m saying is—

Chris:  Why don’t you mind your own business?  They’re friends of ours.  We invited them.

Matt approaches Ashley near a large ice sculpture in the shape of the word Hillside.  Yeah.  A school that can’t afford workable lockers splurged for a fucking ice sculpture:

He tells her that she looks really nice, then averts the otherwise inevitable awkward silence to follow his compliment by saying that he has to go find Jake.  Ashley bites her lip and stares after him as he fades into the crowd.

Deadpool walks in and finds himself face to face with Arseman.

Arseman:  So, how’s it going?

Billy:  Hi!

Arseman:  Planning to have a good time tonight?

Billy:  I guess.

Arseman:  Planning to let everyone else have a good time, too?

Billy:  Don’t worry.  I was just over at Dylan’s place.

Arseman:  You guys had a talk?

Billy:  Sort of.  I asked him if he’s coming tonight.  He said dropoots aren’t invited.

Arseman:  Well, unfortunately, he’s right.

Billy:  You know something?  I’m really worried aboot him.  You know what he’s like.  Dylan hides his feelings pretty well, but it looks to me like he’s really depressed.

Billy goes to mingle as Arseman high-tails it oot the door.  In short order, Deadpool finds himself surrounded by Chris and The Plastic Ono Band.

Tony:  Is this the guy you’re talking aboot?

Chris:  Yeah, this is him – the one that thinks he’s so tough.

Billy:  Come on!

Chris:  Hey, don’t be modest, Bill!  I hear you’ve been acting like you’re real tough, lately.

Billy:  Don’t be stupid!

Tony:  (grabbing Billy by the sleeve)  You callin’ my friend stupid?!

Ben:  That’s the word he used, alright.  You better learn some respect!

Ben shoves Billy, knocking him back a few feet as Matt and Jake approach the melee.

Matt:  What’s going on?

Chris:  Mind your own business!

Jake:  How aboot answering the question?

Chris:  Oh, I’m shaking in my boots!

Matt:  Just knock it off!  No one wants any trouble.

Chris:  Well, too bad, ‘cause you’re just aboot to get some!

Before the brewing rumble has a chance to get off the ground, Roxanne rushes in between the rapidly forming battle lines.

Roxanne:  Don’t be stupid!  Not at a school dance!

Chris:  The guy’s trying to throw his weight around!

Roxanne:  Come on!  We’re leaving – now!

Arseman enters Dylan’s garage to find him sitting on a stool by the door, holding his guitar.

Dylan:  …so, what are you doing here?  What, did Billy tell you I was feeling all tragic or something?

Arseman:  Well, he didn’t use those words, exactly…but more or less.

Dylan:  Well, he’s wrong.  I’m fine.

Arseman:  Are you?

Dylan:  No.  Are you kidding?  Go ahead, say it.

Arseman:  Say what?

Dylan:  I’ve blown it, totally.  I made the world’s stupidest mistake and now I’m stuck, right?

Arseman:  Well, I can’t exactly disagree with you, can I?  I’m not exactly gonna tell you to look on the bright side, either.

Dylan:  Because there isn’t one.

Arseman:  Well, not that you’d notice…but just remember, you’ve still got friends!  People care aboot you and that’s something!

Dylan:  You mean it?

Arseman:  Hey, I never say things I don’t mean.

Back at the dance, Billy sees Dave and this time, he gives him a proper sincere apology for having been such a shithead over the course of the past few weeks.  To Deadpool’s pleasant surprise, Dave accepts his apology, just like that.

Elsewhere at the dance, Brooke is chewing Jake’s ear off aboot her upcoming year in Paris.

Brooke:  Naturally, I won’t be studying all the time, so I’ll be able to see all the sights in Paris!

Jake:  Right.

Brooke:  The Eiffel Tower, St. Peter’s Basilica…

Jake:  Actually, St. Peter’s Basilica’s in Rome.

Brooke:  Right, of course it is.  Well, I should be able to visit Rome on the weekends.

As Brooke continues her last big self-promotional display, her voice becomes noticeably shaky and more than a little choked up.

Brooke:  Living in Paris for a whole year…halfway around the world…thousands of miles from everyone here…I mean…

Brooke’s lip begins to quiver and her eyes well up with tears.

Jake:  Hey, are you okay?

Brooke:  (sobbing) Jake…I don’t want to go.

Jake:  What are you talking aboot?

Brooke:  All my friends are here…everyone I care aboot.  I don’t want to lose all my friends!

Who Farted approaches Dave at the punch bowl and almost asks him to dance.  This is good practice for the upcoming season, wherein they spend all 26 episodes almost dating since neither possess the requisite mental or motor skills to move beyond this awkward and endless mating ritual.

Ashley’s kicking it on the dance floor with some kid that looks like he was ripped from a Hitler Youth propaganda film while Matt looks on.  The music stops and Matt approaches.

Ashley:  so, how’s it going?

Matt:  Oh, not bad.  Kinda different, though.  First time in quite a while I’ve been to a school dance sober!  It’s also the first time I’ve been to a school dance when I wasn’t here with you.  Listen, if I’m way oot of line here, just tell me, but I’ve gotta ask you…Ashley, do you think there’s any chance for you and me to try again?

Ashley:  so many things have changed…even the thought of getting back together.  how could we make it work?

Matt:  I don’t know.

Ashley:  we still care aboot each other, don’t we?  so if you wanna try…i mean, if you really wanna try…then i’d like to try, too.

Matt:  You wanna dance?

Ashley:  yeah.

That just warms the heart, doesn’t it?  Savor it while you can, because you know goddamn well that Drinky Crow and Whisperina won’t be able to maintain this romantic Kismet for long.  I’ll be back shortly to put a small Season 4 cherry on the otherwise complete Hillside sundae.  Now go blow your nose and fix your makeup before you find yourself at a loss to explain to someone why you’ve been crying.  Come on, now, chin up.  There you go.

Season 3, Episode 12

Christ, you know it ain’t easy.  You know how hard it can be.  The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me. – The Beatles

At the risk of committing musical blasphemy, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: “Let It Be” is a shitty album.  Sure, it has moments of brilliance, but since the Fab Four were barely on speaking terms at this late stage of their existence, each of The Beatles recorded their parts separately and then cobbled them together in the studio.  To my ears, the end result reflects this schism within the band.  Had they soldiered on as a group for much longer, I’m guessing that their original magic would have continued to diminish with each new album, effectively sullying the glory days of the most popular rock band of all time.  Why do I say this?  One word: Wings.  Sir Paul’s post-Beatles career has been one of consistent mediocrity, and that’s when he’s at the top of his game (when he isn’t, we get shit like “Silly Love Songs”).  So to anyone who still harbors bitterness towards Yoko Ono for her alleged role in the demise of The Beatles, ask yourself: did she perhaps do us a favor?  Similarly, what aboot Chris’s accusation that Roxanne was responsible for the break-up of Teenagers In Love?

John and Yoko are at The Avalon trashing Dylan for his decision to drop oot of school and pursue a career in music.  After thoroughly exhausting this topic at the top of their lungs, Chris reminds Roxanne that they still need to find a guitarist and drummer for their band.

Roxanne:  Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of it.

Chris:  You found a couple of guys?

Roxanne:  They’re not from Hillside.  They’re sort of…social acquaintances.

Chris:  How do you mean?

Roxanne:  Why don’t you wait and see?

While Chris and Roxanne are eviscerating Dylan from afar, Ashley’s back at the garage doing it up close and personal.  I mean, of fucking course she is.  This whispering hemorrhoid has been trying to nag her way into Dylan’s pants ever since she got back from private school.

Ashley:  dylan, this is crazy!  you can’t drop oot of school!

Dylan:  I already have.

Ashley:  then go talk to the principal!  tell him you changed your mind!

Dylan:  But I haven’t changed my mind and I’m not going to, either.

Ashley:  you just can’t do this – come on!  i mean, what do your parents think?!

Dylan:  They’re not too happy…but then again, they’re not too happy that I’m their kid in the first place.

Ashley:  that’s not true.  maybe you don’t always get along, but they still care aboot you.

Dylan:  Hey, what makes you an expert on my parents all of a sudden?

Ashley:  dylan, your mom and dad care aboot you a lot.

Dylan:  They’ve got a funny way of showing it.

Ashley:  maybe that’s true, but—

Dylan:  Besides, I don’t care what they think!  Dropping oot was my decision.  If they wanna freak oot aboot it, fine!  I’ll just move oot…find my own place.

She continues to badger him aboot the fact that he’s only fifteen years old (for the third year running) and that the odds of him forging a successful music career are slim to none, but Dylan counters that he already found an agent and he’s meeting with her this afternoon.  I can’t confirm the veracity of that last claim, but he’s speaking the truth when he says he’s going to move oot.  Since this is the penultimate episode of Season 3, they’re already starting to set things up for the next one and Dylan’s homeless odyssey is one of the few things of interest in that 26-episode shit smorgasbord.

At The Avalon, Dave and Arseman are rehearsing their lines.  Apparently, the performance is in just four hours, but if anything else of significance is discussed over their pastries and milk, I can’t tell you what it is because hitting fast-forward on these two causes relief to wash over me like someone having a nice cup of tea after enduring an afternoon of non-stop waterboarding.  Oh shit!  Rewind, rewind.  I knew we’d meet these guys in this episode since Roxanne already mentioned them in the opening scene, but I didn’t realize it would happen so soon.  As Dave continues to mangle his lines, two guys approach their booth from the pinball room.  Despite the fact that one of them has hair redder than a baboon’s ass, their attire and the way they carry themselves indicate that they represent the “bad element” in Roxanne’s heretofore unexplored life ootside of Hillside.

Dirt Bag 1:  You guys seen Roxanne?

Dave:  Roxanne?

Dirt Bag 1:  Is there an echo in here?!

Arseman:  No…we haven’t seen her.  She’s probably at school.

Dirt Bag 2:  Well, if you do see her, tell her Tony and Ben are looking for her.  We’ll be back later.

Incidentally, the words “HAVE A BAD DAY” are scrawled in magic marker on the back of Tony’s denim vest.

Matt’s doing homework in the student lounge when Courtney nervously approaches his table wearing the “sexy” Cosby sweater/mini-skirt ootfit that Ashley Frankensteined onto her a few episodes ago.  She sits down and starts to explain herself when Matt cuts her off.

Matt:  Actually, there’s something I’d kinda like to say to you.  Look, I don’t have a clue what happened between you and me.  I don’t really want an explanation, either.  I just want you to know that I’m getting really sick and tired of you jerking me around!!

Courtney:  I know – and I feel really lousy.

Matt:  You feel lousy?  Courtney, this is the second time you’ve done this to me! (actually, it’s the third) You tell me you want us to go oot together, then all of a sudden, you turn around and tell me to get lost!

Courtney:  Look, I did not mean it to sound that way.

Matt:  Then how did you mean it to sound??

Courtney:  If you want to know what really happened, just ask Ashley!

Keep on passing the buck, Headband.  Even though you’ve only got another episode and a half before you start your merciful 30 year retreat into our distant memories, I have faith that you can manage to destroy every last friendship you ever had in that brief time frame with your stubborn refusal to take responsibility for your own abject shittiness.  Now go check up on your brother, Asshole.

In a case of unfortunate timing, Brooke and Arseman run into each other at their adjacent lockers and immediately the sparks begin to fly over the Catherine character in Courtney’s play.  In a case of fortunate timing, they’re interrupted by Chris and Roxanne before I have a chance to throw my laptop against the wall.  Roxanne wishes Arseman luck before walking off, and I honestly can’t tell whether she was being sarcastic or sincere, but it does serve as an opening for some possible common ground between Brooke and Sassy Pants.

Brooke:  She really thinks she’s something, doesn’t she?

Arseman:  Roxanne?

Brooke:  Ugh – she’s so proud of herself just because she has Chris tagging along after her.

Arseman:  As far as I’m concerned, she’s welcome to him.

Brooke:  I really think someone should put Roxanne in her place.  Maybe – maybe someone a little more attractive should take Chris off her hands…and then dump him, just to prove a point.

Arseman:  I’m not exactly sure Roxanne’s a person you want to play games with.

Brooke:  Oh, I don’t play games, Arseman.  I never play games.  I just do what I like.

Courtney and Jake are discussing Dylan’s decision to drop oot of school while they finish preparing the student lounge for the play.  Headband changes the subject to her discussion with Matt aboot why she really broke up with him when Dave and Arseman appear.  Courtney greets them with an enthusiastic, “Hey, the costumes look great!” even though they’re pretty much wearing the same shit they always do.

Arseman:  Time to go!  Let’s get the show on the road!

Dave:  Good idea.  Let’s get it on the road…then run over it with a truck.

Jake:  Come on, you’re going to do just fine.  Believe it!

Brooke enters The Avalon and Who Farted hesitantly approaches her.  She tells her former mentor that she’s going back to school to watch the play, but Brooke indicates that she has better things to do with her time as she abandons Who Farted and sidles up to Chris at the counter.

Brooke:  Well, hi, Chris!  And how’s every little thing?

Chris:  Uh…fine, I guess.

Brooke:  So where’s Roxanne?

Chris:  I think she’s still at school.

Brooke:  Well, we can’t have you sitting all alone now, can we?  So I guess you’ve heard aboot Dylan?

Chris:  Yeah, the guy thinks he’s gonna be a rock and roll superstar.

Brooke:  I know, that’s what’s so tragic aboot it – I mean, he doesn’t even have a chance!

Chris:  That’s kinda the way I see it, too.

Brooke:  Dylan isn’t a bad musician…still, he doesn’t have your talent.

Chris:  Yeah?

Brooke:  Absolutely!  You were the heart and soul of the band!  I mean, hey, you even look the way a guitarist is supposed to.

Chris:  How’s that?

Brooke:  You know – easy on the eyes.

As Who Farted looks on, the coy smile on Chris’ face seems to indicate that Brooke’s flirtatious display was a resounding success.

Over a shot of the Hillside exterior, we can hear Dave in mid-performance: “When…I…was…a…little…kid…I…used…to…pretend…I…was…invisible.”  I can’t fucking sit through this.  Stare at the picture below and imagine Dave delivering his lines like someone who just ate a fistful of Quaaludes while I go make myself a sandwich.

Okay, I’m back.  How was Courtney’s play?  Was it everything you’d dreamed it would be?  Good.  Glad to hear it.  As the audience disperses, Matt follows Ashley into the hallway.

Matt:  Hey!  So what’d you think?

Ashley:  good play.  courtney’s really got something, doesn’t she?  i mean…as a writer.

Matt:  Yeah.  Ashley, listen, there’s something I wanted to ask you.

Ashley:  actually, i’m kind of in a hurry.

Matt:  It’s aboot…well, it’s aboot Courtney, actually.  This morning I was talking to her and she said something that, well, kinda blew me away.  She said that—

Ashley:  look, i’m sorry.  i’ve really gotta run.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!  Why in the living fuck does anybody even attempt to speak to this melodramatic little tampon, for Christ’s sake??  FUCK!!!

FUUUUUUUUCK!!!

*Phew* Alright, I’m all better now.  I lost my cool there for a second and that was terribly unprofessional of me.  Please accept my apologies.  Who Farted sees Dave still milling aboot in the student lounge and congratulates him on his performance, adding, I shit you not, “I mean…wow!”  Mercifully, Dave takes his leave, greatly reducing the heaping pile of awkward in the room, so Who Farted turns to her friend with the oversized glasses and gushes, “He was really good, wasn’t he?  Absolutely – he was just…you know, I think he’s a really great guy!”

Arseman and Dave are chatting at the soda machine when Deadpool descends the stairs.

Arseman:  Hi, Billy!

Billy:  Hey, I saw the play – you weren’t bad at all!

Arseman:  Thanks!

Billy: (addressing Dave) And, uh, you weren’t so bad yourself!

Dave:  Yeah?

Billy:  Yeah, you were really convincing – playing a geek, which only makes sense, since it was typecasting.

Billy walks away as Arseman turns her spigot of sass on full blast, prying the truth oot of her horrible co-star aboot Deadpool’s new habit of picking on geeks.  Sassy Pants makes it clear that she’s going to take the matter into her own hands.

Who Farted sees Roxanne at her locker and says hi.  She asks if “those guys, Tony and Ben or something” ever found her, adding, “They looked…a little heavy duty.”  Unsure how to handle the ensuing silence, Who Farted changes the subject and asks how things are going with Chris, prompting Roxanne to threateningly inquire whether that’s any of her business.

WF:  Well, no, it’s just…I thought you and Chris were supposed to be going oot, and in that case—

Roxanne:  In that case, what?!

WF:  Well, in that case, what’s going on between Chris and Brooke?  I mean, why is Brooke chasing after him all of a sudden?

Roxanne:  Brooke’s chasing after Chris?

WF:  Look, I probably shouldn’t have said anything.  I mean, I don’t really know for sure, and like you said, it’s none—

Roxanne:  Hey, thanks for the information!

Dylan’s playing pinball at The Avalon when Arseman walks in and asks, “How’s the life of the rock and roll star?”  Leather Jacket doesn’t seem in the mood for small talk, or even large talk when she changes the topic to his decision to drop oot of school, so Sassy Pants dispenses with the formalities and gets to the point.

Arseman:  There’s something else…Billy.

Dylan:  What aboot him?

Arseman:  Apparently, he’s turned into this world-class jerk, hassling David and shoving little kids around.

Dylan:  Since when?

Arseman:  Since he’s been having problems at home, I guess, but that’s no excuse for turning into a bully.  So anyway, you guys used to be pretty close and I’d talk to him myself, but I thought he’d listen a little better if it came from you.

Dylan:  Where is he?

Arseman:  The last time I saw him, he was still at school.

Dylan:  Right.

He leaves Arseman at the pinball machine to pay an unexpected visit to Hillside.

Roxanne takes what looks like an enormous bowl full of whipped cream from The Avalon counter to her table just as Brooke enters the café.

Roxanne:  Brooke!  Just the person I wanted to see.  Come here a sec.

Brooke:  So what do you want?

Roxanne:  Well, it’s just like this – I’ve been hearing these stories aboot you chasing after Chris…

Brooke:  I beg your pardon?

Roxanne:  …so I said to myself, “Gee, it just isn’t like Brooke to do something like that!”

Brooke:  Absolutely!  If you want to know the truth, Roxanne, it’s Chris who’s been chasing after me.

Roxanne:  Really.

Brooke:  It’s getting totally boring!  I mean, every time I turn around—

Roxanne:  Well, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other.  I’d just like to make one brief statement.

She grabs Brooke by the hair and smashes her face into the bowl of whipped cream, adding, “Stay oot of my face!”

Good shit, right?  Hell, this is an ootstanding episode all around, because here comes some more.  Dylan stares through the glass door into the locker vestibule and steels himself for the upcoming confrontation with Deadpool who’s getting books from his locker.

Billy:  What are you doing here?  I thought you dropped oot of school.

Dylan:  Yeah, well, I decided to drop back…just for five minutes.

Billy:  Hey, good luck with the rest of your life.  You’ll probably need it.

As Billy turns to leave, Dylan grabs him by the arm and drags him back, pinning him against the lockers.

Billy:  Get your hands off!!

Dylan:  We need to have a little talk, ‘cause I’ve been hearing these really unfortunate stories, you know, aboot you pushing little kids around.

Billy:  Will you let go?!

Dylan:  You know, I’ve gotta be honest…I can’t stand bullies.  Know why?  Because bullies – they do things like this!

He slams Billy violently against the lockers.

Billy:  Hey!

Dylan:  See what I mean?

Deadpool makes another attempt to flee, but Dylan pulls him right back.

Billy:  CUT IT OOT!!

Dylan:  Bullies are cowards.  They pick on people who are smaller than they are.  See how it feels?

He shoves Billy so hard into the lockers that he falls to the floor.  Dylan looms over him and balls his hand into a fist.

Billy:  DON’T!!!

Bending down to meet him face to face, Leather Jacket delivers his final warning.

Dylan:  You’re lucky I don’t kick your butt from here to downtown, ‘cause THAT’S what you deserve.  Take my point?

Damn.  Wait, what the fuck, there’s still three minutes left?  How the hell do they think they’re gonna top that shit?

Chris walks into The Avalon and sees Roxanne sitting at a booth with Tony and Ben.  After she chides him for being ten minutes late, she introduces him to her friends.  Chris extends his hand and says, “How’s it going?” but neither of Roxanne’s mysterious thugs can be bothered to acknowledge the greeting.  This is the dirt bag food chain, y’all.  Chris takes a seat next to Roxanne.

Chris:  So, how do you guys know each other?  You don’t go to this school or anything.

Tony:  We belong to a kind of…club.

Ben:  Yeah, that’s what it is.

Roxanne:  And they’re also just excellent musicians!  So, hey – this is our new band.

Dylan’s playing guitar in the garage when Ashley enters withoot bothering to knock.  She asks him how it went with the agent, causing Leather Jacket to sigh and explain that 15 year old musicians apparently aren’t in high demand.  Clearly relieved, Ashley tells him that he gave it a shot, but since it didn’t work oot, now he can come back to school.  To her shock, Dylan makes it clear that he has no intention of returning to school.

Ashley:  so what are you gonna do?

Dylan:  Wanna know the truth?  I don’t have a clue.

That makes two of us, Dylan.  But at least you got a chance to oot-Deadpool Deadpool, which is more than I can say.

Season 3, Episode 11

Fall is fast approaching and if I’m to capitalize on the invigorating chill in the air and maybe, I don’t know, find a job or something, then I need to finish this project upon which I so impetuously embarked way back in April.  That means three more episode summaries to finish up Season 3 and a brief synopsis of the major events that occur in the god-awful, shark-jumping fourth season.  We’re in the homestretch now, so let’s waste no further time (and wipe that grin off yer face, Mole, you know damn well you’re gonna miss these comfortingly apolitical visits to Hillside High).

We open at The Avalon where things get weird right oot of the gate, as Who Farted approaches Jake who’s busy studying at a booth.  To my recollection, these two haven’t exchanged a single word up to this point, so let’s see what the fuck this is all aboot.

WF:  Hi, Jake.

Jake:  Oh, hi.

WF:  Homework for breakfast?

Jake:  Right.  Eat your biology, it’s good for you.  I should have finished yesterday but I kinda ran oot of weekend.  If only there wasn’t so much other stuff to do — you know, watching ball games, hanging oot at the mall.  Anyways, I’ve still got 15 minutes.

I guess now we know why they hadn’t exchanged a single word up to this point.  It turns oot that Who Farted is trying to pry some verbalized jealousy oot of Jake aboot Matt and Courtney’s PDA at Dylan’s concert, a rare solo gossip-gathering mission.  Brooke’s friendship may be a thing of the past, but I guess old habits die hard.  Of course, this attempt to shake some drama from Hillside’s resident Zen master is a bust, right down to having to weather a mild scolding for acting like “Catherine”, a character in Courtney’s stupid play that apparently bears striking similarities to Brooke.  I wonder if John Binkley ever considered suing Jerry Seinfeld for the blatant theft of his intellectual property when the most celebrated sitcom of the 90s introduced the plot of a TV show that was nearly identical to the TV show it inhabited.  Anyway, the fact that Headband created a character based on Brooke seems to excite Who Farted just as much as if Jake had broken down crying over Courtney’s new relationship with Matt.

Good Lord.  In the student lounge, Dave is practicing his lines with Courtney.  Imagine the most wooden, emotionless actor on earth performing a scene wherein he needs to somehow act like a significantly more wooden and emotionless actor, and you’ll have some idea of why I am at this moment cursing cruel fate for the fact that I have an electric oven.  After delivering the same line several times with all the emotive gusto of Stephen Hawking, he throws up his hands and sighs, “I can’t do this!” while Headband compliments and encourages him, incredibly managing to keep a straight face.  She tells him that “nobody expects you to be Mel Gibson or anything,” and now I’m starting to wonder who on Fifteen’s writing staff was so obsessed with Australia’s aging anti-Semitic hunk.  For a show that makes relatively few pop cultural references, they sure do name drop Mel an awful lot.

Emerging from the girls’ locker room, Brooke walks past the table of two kids that are gushing aboot how great Dylan’s concert was.  Naturally, she can’t resist nosing into their conversation and tendering her less than flattering opinion of his performance, but the girls just ignore her as they get up to go to class.  Of course, this little display of public humiliation causes the dreaded Roxanne to just fucking materialize oot of thin air carrying a rucksack of insult to add to Brooke’s injury.

Roxanne:  Was it something you said?

Brooke:  Beg pardon?

Roxanne:  Don’t worry – they’ll all start paying more attention once they find oot you’re a star.

Brooke:  Roxanne, you’re making even less sense than usual.

Roxanne:  Haven’t you heard?  You’re gonna be famous!

Brooke:  What are you babbling aboot?

Roxanne:  Courtney’s play.  Apparently, there’s this character – her name’s Catherine.

Brooke:  Why should I care?

Roxanne: ‘Cause the character’s patterned after you!

Brooke:  What?

Roxanne:  That’s what I hear.  A hypocritical, mean spirited witch.  Should be lots of fun!

Okay, so in the last episode, Matt told Courtney he thought Dave would be good for the part of the brother since the character is shy.  Now we find oot that Roxanne also has significant advance knowledge of Headband’s theatrical debut.  What the fuck?  Did Courtney post the fucking script on the bulletin board next to Arseman’s vivisection poster?  And even if she did, don’t these little douchebags have anything better to talk aboot?  I’m starting to gain enormous respect for Deadpool’s terroristic approach to these insufferable retards.

Ah, finally something into which we can satisfyingly sink our teeth.  Courtney is at her locker when Ashley breezes by, trying to avoid eye contact.

Courtney:  Hey!  I’ve been looking all over for you!

Ashley:  courtney.  hi.

Courtney:  Where have you been?

Ashley:  oh, i just had…something to do this morning.

Courtney:  And all weekend?  I called you a few times.  I even left messages, but you never called me back.

Ashley:  i was pretty tied up…down at the public library, studying.

Courtney:  Well, why didn’t you let me know?  I would have come with you.

Ashley:  i didn’t want you to.  i mean…it was all really boring.  i just figured you had better things to do.

Courtney:  Listen, um, aboot Friday night…the concert.  Look, I’m really sorry if I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to you – I guess I was just sort of wrapped up in, you know, the excitement, the music—

Ashley:  —matt.  yeah, the concert was great.  i’ll see you later.

Courtney:  Sure.  Um, how aboot we meet at lunch or something?

Ashley:  actually, i’ve got a lot of homework to finish.

Courtney:  Well, what aboot after school, then?

Ashley:  i don’t know.  maybe.  see ya.

Jesus, for a girl who tries so hard to be inscrutable, Pinky sure does work oot of the exact same playbook every time she feels betrayed by Shit Drapes.  I feel like we’ve watched this scene before.  More than once.  Whisperina wafts off to class but when Courtney turns around, she finds herself face to face with a stone-faced Brooke who proceeds to rip her a new one for writing a familiarly one-dimensional bitch into her play.

Brooke:  This is slander with malicious intent!  I could sue you!

Courtney reacts with the obligatory paraphrased disclaimer that any similarities between characters in her play and real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

In the boys’ locker room, Matt and Jake spend a few minutes illustrating why guys are infinitely better than gals at dealing with the fact that exes move on.  I’m not so sure this applies IRL, but as a TV trope, it’s unquestionable.  In keeping with this time-tested stereotype, Jake selflessly expresses concern aboot how Ashley might have felt upon witnessing their public smoochery at the concert, but Matt assures him that Ashley has no interest in him whatsoever.

In the student lounge, Courtney, Dave, Arseman, Jake and the as-yet-unnamed Russ are clearing furniture oot of the way to facilitate a rehearsal of Headband’s play.  As Courtney symbolically mounts the director’s chair, Arseman and Dave proceed to compete over who can deliver their ham-fisted dialogue more robotically.  It’s a stalemate.  I really don’t possess the requisite lexical aplomb to make you understand how torturously bad this is.  If John Binkley consciously set oot to find the most terrible actors in Vancouver to play the most terrible actors at the fictional Hillside High, then color me impressed.  Courtney yells “cut!” and directs Arseman to stop holding back and fully embrace her role as “a real witch” before instructing them to start again from the top.  For some fucking reason known only to Binkley and God, Arseman’s interpretation of this constructive criticism is to resume speaking her lines in an emotionless monotone, but this time with a British accent.  Luckily, she doesn’t get very far before Brooke storms into the lounge and threatens legal action over the inclusion of the slanderous Catherine character in Courtney’s play.  Oddly enough, she manages to do so quite viscerally withoot the slightest hint of a British accent.

Ashley enters The Avalon and sees Matt sitting alone at a table.  She stands in the middle of the café wringing her hands like an idiot until Matt finally calls oot to her.  Drinky Crow tries to make friendly small talk with his ex, but it’s immediately clear that she’s in full-on bitch mode.  Amazingly, Matt’s too stupid to put two and two together and ascertain the obvious source of the enormous stick up her petite derriere, but Ashley The Inscrutable certainly isn’t going to shed any light on what’s troubling her, at least not until she’s had her fill of being mysteriously moody for several more days.

Jake storms up to Brooke at her locker and reams her oot for the scene she made during the rehearsal.  They yell at each other for a spell, until Brooke’s lip begins to quiver as she looks Jake in the eye and asks with seeming sincerity, “What is it aboot me?!  What did I do to make you all think I’m so awful?  I’m not a horrible person, you know.”

Dylan enters the school carrying his guitar and is immediately set upon by Arseman and a gaggle of unknown kids showering him with effusive praise for his shitty performance at The Avalon.  Some girl in glasses with ludicrously oversized frames tells him that he “looked like Bono”, to which Leather Jacket replies, “Sonny Bono?”  Hm.  Maybe Chris really did have a point aboot the need to drag his former band mate into the nineties.  Extricating himself from the crowd, Dylan walks over to a table with Arseman as Chris lingers behind them at the lockers.  He asks Sassy Pants for her honest opinion aboot his concert and she obliges with the vaguest musical critique ever tendered just as Chris strolls up to the table.

Chris:  Look at this – Joe Superstar.  Next stop, MTV.

Christ At The Cracker Barrel, somebody really needs to teach these morons how to talk trash.

Have you ever had a festering sore that you just couldn’t stop obsessively picking at, no matter how grotesque the ensuing wound might prove to be?  Courtney sees Ashley doing homework in the lounge and makes her second attempt at friendly conversation with her bestie that somehow goes off the rails even quicker than the first.

Courtney:  Hey!  What are you doing here?

Ashley:  homework.  i just figured it would be a good place…you know, no interruptions.

Courtney:  Sorry.  Look, um, how aboot you tell me what’s wrong?

Ashley:  nothing’s wrong.

Courtney:  Well, then, how come you’ve been avoiding me ever since Friday night?

Ashley:  i’ve just been busy…and friday night has nothing to do with it.  (painfully pregnant pause)  alright.  it’s true.  i just couldn’t stand it.

Courtney:  What do you mean?

Ashley:  seeing you and matt together.

Courtney:  What?!  But you said that—

Ashley: –i know what i said.  i said i didn’t care aboot him anymore.  when i saw the two of you together, i just knew that wasn’t true.

Courtney:  Oh, no, don’t tell me this!

Ashley:  i know it isn’t fair.  i know i’ve got no right to feel this way…but i just can’t deal with it!

Wrong, Ashley.  You have every right to feel that way, you’re just a horrible shrew for making such a public display of it.  There’s a difference.

Courtney bounds down the stairs and finds Matt loitering at his locker.  As they greet one another, Matt affectionately caresses her shoulder causing her to shrink from his touch like he has leprosy.  Unfazed, he asks her if they’re still on for their planned trip to the mall to “admire the CD players and fantasize aboot having enough money to buy one”.  FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME THIS SEMESTER, Headband drops the unexpected bombshell on Drinky Crow that “This just isn’t gonna work.  Us.  You and me going oot together.”  By way of an explanation, she lies that it’s too soon after breaking up with Jake to start dating anyone else before tearing up and fleeing his presence.  Hey, Matt, remember this Big Book gem from your time in rehab? “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.”  Should you experience a moment of clarity and realize that Bill W. was a charlatan withoot any logical approach to the problem of alcoholism whatsoever, I understand Deadpool’s eager to buy you a beer.  I heard him say so.  I’d take him up on it, if I were you.

Chris is playing pinball at The Avalon when Arseman approaches.  They proceed to snipe at each other for a while before Arseman turns to leave.

Chris:  Hang on.  When me and Roxanne get our band together, then you’ll hear some music.  We’re gonna blow Dylan right oot of the water!

Arseman:  I’ll tell him you said so.

Chris:  And you can tell him something else, while you’re at it.  Tell him to enjoy the glory while it lasts.

Arseman:  Meaning what?

Chris:  Well, we’re talking aboot Dylan, right?  He’ll find a way to mess it all up.  He always does.

Later at the Avalon counter, Matt is filling Jake in on having been dumped by Headband yet again. Although I get the impression that there’s some pretty priceless stuff in their dialogue, I can’t linger on this scene long enough to get the full gist of it because the dueling stripes on the shirts they’re wearing are literally giving me vertigo.

I know this has been a long one, but good things come to those who wait, my friends.  Dave is getting books from his locker when Deadpool rounds the corner.

Billy:  There you are!  I figured you’d drop by after basketball practice, so I thought I’d drop by, too…just to say hi.

Dave:  Hi.

Billy:  So, I hear you’re the big actor now.  Wanna be a star, Dave?

Dave:  Guess I’m giving it a shot.

Dave starts to walk away, but Billy blocks his path.

Dave:  Listen, you want something?

Billy:  Yeah.  I want you to disappear.  You get in my way!

Dave:  Give me a break!

Dave desperately tries to flee the scene, but Deadpool positions himself to prevent him from leaving each time.

Dave:  Knock it off, Billy, I don’t want any trouble!

Billy:  Yeah, well, you got it now!  You’ve got big trouble.  LET’S GO!!

Dave:  We don’t have anything to fight aboot.

Billy:  Yeah?  What aboot this?

He gives Dave a shove, knocking him back a few feet.

Billy:  Come on!  You chicken or something?

Dave:  What’s your problem?!

Deadpool slams him into the lockers and in a mocking baby voice asks, “You wanna run home to Mommy?”

Dave:  No!

Billy:  LET’S GO!!!

He pushes Dave hard enough for all the books to fall oot of his hands and puts up his fists.

Dave:  Go ahead, hit me!  Maybe that will make you feel like a really big man!

Deadpool kicks Dave’s textbooks across the floor and splits, leaving his quiver-lipped prey to stare after him in shock.

At Dylan’s garage, Leather Jacket is suffering through another of Ashley’s “be cool, stay in school” lectures.  I’m guessing this one is a little less irritating to endure than the others, since after he waits it oot, he nonchalantly informs her that he dropped oot of school this afternoon.

Courtney is sitting alone at The Avalon when Jake storms up to her booth and demands to know what’s going on with Matt.  Apparently, Jake’s pretty pissed off that she used him as her excuse to kick Drinky Crow to the curb, so Headband admits that she lied and tells him that the real reason she broke up with Matt is Ashley.  Black Eye’s not having any of her shit today.

Jake:  So this is all aboot Ashley’s feelings and your feelings.  Well, let me ask you something – what aboot Matt’s feelings?  The guy gets oot of detox, he’s trying to put his life back together, and you jerk him around in circles to protect other people’s feelings?  Well, what aboot Matt’s feelings, Courtney?  Why not try thinking aboot him for a change?!

Hell, yeah.  Sleep on that, Shit Drapes.  You know something?  Jake’s alright.  He may even have just risen as high in my esteem as Janice and she was the best thing that ever happened to Hillside.  I wonder how she’s doing.  I miss Janice.  If you’re waiting for a closing joke to tie that all together, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m too busy getting misty-eyed over Janice to engage in any further tomfoolery today.

Season 3, Episode 9

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. – A.A. Preamble

Matt, you poor sucker.  If you thought navigating the halls of Hillside High was a hassle before, just wait until you try it sober.  I’ve never heard you discuss your conception of a Higher Power, but I’m sure it’s not up to the torturous and terrifying task that lies before you.   Unless, of course, your Higher Power is Deadpool.  That could work.

We open at The Avalon where Brooke is treating my two favorite nameless cheerleaders to an emotive self-promotional announcement of her bid for the head cheerleader position.

She then makes her way over to the booth where Courtney is studying and strikes a somber tone, advising Headband that she just heard “the terrible news”.  When Courtney croaks oot, “What terrible news?”, Brooke assumes that she’s too choked up to talk, but it turns oot she just has laryngitis.  It would be awesome if this were a chronic ailment, but alas, it’s just a small and temporary blessing.  Anyhow, the “terrible news” to which Brooke is referring is the fact that Jake and Courtney broke up, but Headband’s unshakeable good cheer throughoot the inquisition isn’t quite the reaction for which she’d been hoping.  Still skeptical, she takes a seat just as Jake enters the café and sits down next to Courtney, effectively ending Brooke’s ill-conceived reconnaissance mission.  He announces that it’s “the big day” when Matt will be coming home from the treatment center.  As if verifying her increasing irrelevance, Brooke makes one final and unsuccessful attempt to wrap her mind around the spectacle of a former couple hanging oot as friends.  (Spoiler alert: none of the people involved in this scene will appear in the final season.)

Q:  What do you call a conversation between a girl with laryngitis and a girl who never speaks above a whisper?

A:  Something Curmudgeon refuses to fucking acknowledge.

Don’t worry, I didn’t abdicate my responsibility there.  Everything they said was just a rehashing of shit that’s already been rehashed so many times that it’s making every episode start to feel like a rerun of the previous one.  Oh, and Courtney’s stupid English teacher is letting her cast, produce and direct her stupid play for a public performance, so we’ve got that to look forward to.

At Who Farted’s locker, Brooke is pretending to be disappointed that she’s running unopposed for the head cheerleader position while Who Farted pretends that she’s not planning to run against her.  Eventually, the charade comes to an end.

Brooke:  …so, it looks as though I’m the new head cheerleader!

WF:  Not quite.

Brooke:  What do you mean?

WF:  I decided to run.

Brooke:  You what?

WF:  I just thought that there should be some competition – you said so yourself.

Brooke:  Well, yeah, but not from your friends.  Besides, you didn’t even tell me!

WF:  I just…sort of decided and…I’m telling you now.

Brooke:  Isn’t this interesting.  May the best person win.  And Stacy – don’t get your hopes up too high.  I’d hate to see you disappointed.

Alright, now Courtney’s irritated esophagus is croaking at Arseman aboot her dumb play and if ever a scene could be deemed unwatchable, this is it, but I’m going to briefly transcribe Headband’s plot synopsis so that you can understand what’s going on here.  Quite simply, this dialogue is from a script aboot a script that’s aboot the very script of which it is a part.  Got that?  No?  Here, take a look:

Courtney:  See, this sister is just so self-absorbed, you know?  She’s really wrapped up in herself.  She doesn’t even realize when her brother needs someone.

If I can stray off topic for just a moment, I know many of you must be wondering what my next venture will be when I finally finish this interminable ode to Fifteen.  I was thinking of writing a play.  It will be aboot a guy in his late 40s inspired by terminal boredom to create a blog page, the content of which is an interminable ode to an early 90s Canadian teen soap opera.  My working title is “Notes From Notes From The Avalon”.  It’s gonna be fucking brilliant, so don’t miss it.  Anyway, Courtney recruits an annoyingly reluctant Arseman for the role of the sister before dramatically sighing that she still needs to find someone to play the part of the younger brother.  (For fuck’s sake, Courtney, your younger brother is Hollywood royalty, you clueless twit.)

Dylan is moping at a booth in The Avalon when Ashley approaches and asks him what’s wrong.  He tells her that he was just hauled down to the principal’s office because his teachers have been reporting him for truancy and failure to turn in homework assignments and that he might have to repeat the grade if he doesn’t get his act together.  Ashley tries to inspire him to buckle down, finding his retort of “maybe I just won’t worry aboot it” too exasperating to accept.  Christ, this whispering little twat would fucking hate me: “Hey, Paul, have you found a job yet?”  “Nope.”  “What are you gonna do?”  “Maybe I just won’t worry aboot it.”  (Spoiler Alert: Dylan refrains from worrying aboot it for so long that eventually he just drops oot of school and gets a dead-end job busing tables at the shitty mall café.)

By the lockers, Headband is trying to recruit Jake for the role of the brother in her play, but he’s wise enough to understand the benefits of being romantically unencumbered, and so respectfully declines.  If only there were someone who could play the part of a troubled younger brother…

Deadpool swaggers through the rear door of The Avalon where John is playing pinball.  With an evil grin, he puts his arm around Dumbo’s shoulder and commences to antagonize his prey.

Billy:  So, John, how’s it going?

John:  Uh…fine, I guess.

Billy:  You here for lunch?  Me, too…but the problem is, I just don’t seem to have any money.  So, uh, you think you can help me oot?

John:  I, uh, don’t have that much myself.

Billy:  Then why don’t you just give me what you have?

John:  Well, then I wouldn’t have enough for myself.

Billy:  John, you’re missing the point.  Give me the money!

John:  Come on, Billy, leave me alone.

Billy:  Hey, Kid – the money!

John tries to flee, but Deadpool grabs him by the sleeve and drags him back into the pinball room.  In desperation, Alfred E. Newman bellows “It’s not fair!” as he hands over his paltry cash supply.

Billy:  That’s life, Kid.  Get used to it.  And, uh, I’ll probably need some money for lunch tomorrow, too.  So bring some!

Finally free of Deadpool’s iron grasp, John runs past Courtney as he flees The Avalon.  Oblivious to what just transpired, she asks Billy if he’d like to get together later, after she and her friends welcome Matt back from the treatment center.

Billy:  Oh, right, Matt’s back from that drunk place!

Courtney:  The treatment center.

Billy:  Okay…the treatment center.

Courtney:  Hey, I’m really looking forward to seeing him.  Aren’t you?

Billy:  Well, yeah, it’ll be good to see Old Matt again.  Maybe I can buy him a beer!

Courtney:  What is wrong with you?

Billy:  What’s wrong with you?  Can’t you take a joke?  And, uh, hey, aboot that brother-sister thing after school…I think I’m busy.

Dylan is tenderly stroking his guitar on a sofa in the student lounge when Chris spots him and assesses this as a perfect opportunity for maximum harassment potential.  He sarcastically asks if Dylan wants to wish him luck at his Avalon gig, then goes on to inform him that he and Roxanne decided they’re going to play as a duo, dispensing of the complications brought on by a full band.  Clearly disappointed in Dylan’s laissez-faire response to the news, he instructs his former band mate, “Friday night.  The Avalon.  Be there,” before taking his leave.

The next scene opens at the stairwell where Leather Jacket and Laryngitis are discussing Billy’s increasingly worrisome behavior.  Moving along…

Oh, fuck, here’s what I get for trying to rush things along – Jake and Dave eating lunch in the student lounge while Who Farted lingers in the background.  This is worse than being locked in a 4 x 4 cage at Guantanamo while bombarded by JoJo Siwa songs on infinite repeat.  Dull and Duller are in the midst of discussing what goes on in treatment centers when Who Farted awkwardly approaches their table and vomits her best attempt at flirtation all over Dave’s letterman jacket.  She walks away and Jake, quick to pick up on the vibe, advises Dave to ask her oot, to which he replies, “Who do you think I am, Tom Cruise or something?”  Hmm…nah.  Trop facile.  I’ll just let you insert your own jokes here, dear readers.

Brooke sees Arseman at her locker and announces that the votes are currently being counted for the head cheerleader position, but Sassy Pants counters that the votes have already been counted, so she should ask Miss Leddingham for the results.  Brooke continues to arrogantly surmise that it must have been a landslide, so Arseman confirms that it was – 8 to 2, in fact, in Who Farted’s favor.

Brooke:  You mean…I lost?

Arseman:  Well, basically…yeah.  But, well…better luck next time.

Matt’s sitting in the student lounge waiting to be noticed, but the best he’s gonna get right now is Dave, whose always questionable relevance severely dissipated once Jake returned from China.  The ensuing conversation is as tedious as you’d imagine.

At The Avalon, my two favorite cheerleaders are showering Who Farted with praise and congratulations for her easy victory.  Just as Who Farted tells them, “I really feel sorry for Brooke,” Miss Morgan enters the café and gives their table a wide berth on her way to the counter.  Who Farted gets up and tells Brooke that she feels awful, but her former mentor accuses her of having set the whole thing up, “campaigning behind my back!” and refuses to listen to Who Farted’s conciliatory explanation.  When Brooke’s accusations become too much to bear, Who Farted divulges that she actually voted for Brooke, which is what brought her vote tally to two.  “I didn’t want you to be totally humiliated – so I voted for you!”  Brooke continues to assault Who Farted with sneering derision and accuses her of trying to make a fool of her, leading to Who Farted’s boldest proclamation yet: “Nobody ever does that, Brooke! Nobody ever makes a fool of you!!  YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MAKES A FOOL OF YOURSELF!!!”

Okay, let’s pause and take stock of where we stand.  Courtney and Jake split up?  Check.  Ashley and Chris split up?  Check.  Dylan and Chris?  Check.  Brooke and Who Farted?  Check.  What the fuck is left?  That was a rhetorical question.  Four more soul-crushing episodes, that’s what’s left, whether or not there are any remaining plots worth a shit.

Student lounge.  Matt, surrounded by Jake, Dave, Arseman and Courtney, recounts his experience at the treatment center in the vaguest of terms.  I’m guessing that not one of these dummies owns a TV because they don’t seem to know the difference between rehab and a Siberian gulag.  Regardless, Matt seems to appreciate the warm welcome, though he doesn’t seem to notice Headband’s shameless laryngitic flirtation.  Maybe he’s too hungover.

Dylan walks into the Avalon pinball room and sees Chris moping over a soda at the booth.  Leather Jacket immediately starts antagonizing him, accurately guessing that the audition for Richard (now exclusively referred to as Dick) didn’t go so well.  He pumps some coins into the pinball machine and informs Chris that he spoke to Dick, so he already knows that they bombed.  It seems that Black Jerry stopped by the garage and told Dylan that White Jerry thought he was the best thing aboot the band, so Dick offered him a solo gig next Friday night, no audition required.  Karma’s a bitch, Chris.  And so are you.

Some time later, Matt and the gang are drinking sodas at The Avalon.  As Matt gets up to leave, Courtney grabs his sleeve and with stars in her eyes declares, “Matt, it’s really good to see you again.  It really is!”  For fuck’s sake, Headband, just flash him your goddamn tits already and spare us any more of your disgusting hoarse coquetry, you shameless whore.  Matt and Jake split, leaving Courtney free to gush to Arseman aboot how great Matt looks and basically make it as obvious as possible that she’s pining to get into his pants.  Arseman smiles her approval of the impending romance.

If it seemed like I just kinda phoned this one in, that’s because I did.  What do you want from me?  Do you realize this was the 35^th fucking episode of this shit-show that I’ve summarized in less than 6 months?  I still don’t have a job, you know.  I feel like someone should be paying me for this.  Someone with a vested interest and a buttload of money like, say, Ryan Reynolds.  I’d hate to have to shake him down for his lunch money, but you know…times are tough.