Because only two mutant superheroes can save us now.
Hey, Kids! Since we’ve arrived at the halfway point of our reunion story, I thought it might be a good time to take a breather, stretch our legs, wash our hands 50 to 100 times and take stock of where we’re at.
*Spoiler Alert* I know Chris was a pretty consistent thorn in my teenage side, but Jesus, Curmudgeon! A fucking shank to the throat? So much for subtlety, eh, Wordsworth?
Also, I couldn’t help but notice that you actually managed to plagiarize my fucking personality. At least the inevitable rash of civil cases filed against you for this creative usurpation will establish some interesting legal precedents. Whatever gets you in the history books, I say.
And now for the silver lining of that fucker of a microorganism called COVID-19. It hasn’t escaped my attention that the programming choices on both network and cable TV have suddenly expanded in response to half the world living as shut-ins. It’s the least they could do, really, but still a welcome diversion. Last night, as I was responsibly self-quarantining, I noticed that Nick At Nite aired the pilot episode of Clarissa Explains It All, circa 1991. Clarissa and Fifteen ran concurrently on Nickelodeon, which means we’re getting closer to a long-awaited return to syndication of the Greatest TV Show Of All Time! You know what to do, Kids. Let’s kick that letter writing campaign into full gear: Nick At Nite, 1515 Broadway, 44th Floor, New York, NY 10036.
We’ll be back with the second half of Fifty in two shakes on a urinal cake but for now, enjoy this little ditty from The Venue’s first big performer, Vancouver’s own New Pornographers:
Can you believe we’re not even two full episodes into the reunion and I already have to put my tail between my legs (note: I don’t really have a tail) and acknowledge some less than consistent things aboot the story thus far? In order to distinguish my writing from that of the endearingly sloppy Ian Weir, I feel it necessary to clarify a few things:
- I originally had Dylan’s near death experience occur on December 24, 2021. I went back and changed the date to December 28, 2021. What the hell difference does that make, you ask? A big one, really. I followed up that scene with Ashley receiving Dylan’s text informing her that he almost died “last night”. That would mean that Ashley received his text on Christmas Day, yet Matt was on his way to show a house. Realtors don’t show homes on Christmas Day. Ever.
- Some of you may have already seen my editor’s note on this one, but in case you missed it: Ashley and Matt are currently living in a suburb of Toronto, not Vancouver as I originally indicated. This is significant, since several plots revolve around their current locale. This has been corrected, too.
- Are there already too many major coincidences going on for you to continue suspending disbelief? Are you upset aboot my decision to afflict Brooke with a frighteningly serious health condition? If so, my reply on both counts is “too bad”. Concerning the unlikely synchronicity of events, remember this is still a soap opera, thus such fantastical events aren’t just forgivable, they’re downright de rigueur. And if you think I’m throwing too much at any individual character, I’m pretending that the original cast are reprising their roles as I write this. Thus, if I found it appropriate to give Brooke cancer, that’s because such a nuanced performance of an empathetic adult remaining consistent with the narcissistic teenager she once was could only be pulled off by a top notch actor. Robyn Ross would be more than capable. You might have noticed I didn’t bother with much of a backstory for Who Farted. Same reason, in reverse.
- Where the hell is Olaf, right? Patience, dear readers. Good things come to those who wait.
Thanks for your kind understanding. We’ll return to our regularly scheduled program shortly. In the meantime, here’s a word from our sponsor:
Now that I know the precise location and function of Jesse’s duodenum, I think it’s time to start filling the gaps between online lessons with the first draft of my Fifteen reunion show script. Alright, it’s a bit of a misnomer for me to call what’s to follow a “script” because I’ve decided to present it in more of a narrative form for easier reading because this is a blog (<– the dumbest non-word I’ve ever had to begrudgingly add to my vocabulary). However, should the need arise (Why won’t you return my phone calls, Ryan?), I’m prepared to rework it into a script format at a moment’s notice. Or someone else can do it for me. I don’t know how these things work and the odds of this story finding a reason to work are slim to none, but I’m approaching it with every bit of optimism available in my paltry and ever-dwindling reserve thereof because I want this to be fun…
…but maybe not too fun? Here’s where you can have some input, my friends, though my mind is all but made up aboot the uncharacteristically darker vibe this reunion story will take on. Should I adjust the dialogue to reflect the times or is everything still tragic in the lives of the Hillside High Class of 93? Less camp, more realism? Or fuck realism, you can’t get enough of the glorious cheese? An equal measure of both would be challenging, but I think I’m up to the task if that be the consensus. Feel free to leave any ideas you may have aboot possible scenarios involving your favorite Hillside alumni. I’ll do my best to work any plots you’d like to see into the larger story.
Also…how would you ideally like to see this if it were an actual production? Feature film? Made for TV movie? Miniseries? This will give me an idea of whether or not I can pepper the dialogue with F bombs, as you all know I’m wont to do, but if the consensus is for family-friendly, that’s cool. Believe it or not, I can work with that.
For now, all I can give you is this very short teaser of the opening scene I’ve envisioned. If suggestions start to fill up the comments section, I’ll consider those before going any further. Otherwise, I’ll be back in aboot a week or so to serve up the first full installment of Fifty: The Reunion!
Atrium Theater, Luxor Casino
Las Vegas, NV
December 24, 2021
“Do we have a pulse?”
“Yeah. Blood pressure 180 over 110 and rising. Prepare the defibrillator and try to find a contact while I stabilize him for transport and wipe this shit off his face.”
“Does he have a phone?”
“Yeah, here. Call it into General, too. Dylan Blackwell, 45-year-old male Caucasian, possible narcotic overdose resulting in cardiac arrest. Judging from the marquee, he probably did the audience a favor. Who the hell does a Hendrix tribute in blackface, for Christ’s sake?”
Happy Boxing Day Eve, Hillside Fans! First-rate blogger and long-time Avalon denizen Tom of TomBeingTom.com has chosen me, among others, to be an honored recipient of a non-existent award aptly entitled The Blogger Recognition Award, necessitating this
temporary, set-to-self-destruct post recognizing Tom’s humbling recognition of the web’s indisputable premier destination.
Apparently, we’re to tell our blogging origin story as part of this online acceptance speech, so I’ll keep mine as succinct as possible. Notes From The Avalon was not my first blog, but it is the only one worth mentioning since it is the only one still in existence. Earlier this year, while wasting time on YouTube for the better part of an afternoon, it became apparent that the “Information Superhighway” contains precious little information aboot the greatest television program that ever aired. “Somebody should do something aboot this,” thought I, and thus Notes From The Avalon was born. If you were hoping for something a bit more detailed regarding my relationship with Fifteen, I elucidated much of that in this post from back in June, along with the only picture of my ugly mug to appear on this page: Breaking The Band.
Thank you, Tom! And to all of my friends north and south of the border: I wish you all a blessed and joyous Boxing Day and a prosperous 2020.
To everyone who played along with Notes From The Avalon, THANK YOU!! You made it all worthwhile. I’d also like to thank the cast and crew of Fifteen, as well as the entire nation of Canada for a bottomless supply of inspiration. Although this officially marks the end of my run as a blogger, I do not intend to remove NFTA from the internet or sully its purity by utilizing it for writing aboot other topics– it is nothing less than my gift to humanity and my online legacy.
For anyone coming late to the party, below is a handy-dandy chronological guide to all of the episode posts. Long live Fifteen!
Fifty: The Reunion