It’s time to dive head first into Fifteen’s second season, so here’s a little infographic post to get us started. I apologize in advance for the lower quality photos that will have to accompany my posts from here on oot. As I’ve explained, Season 1 is readily available on YouTube, but for the rest of the series, I need to rely on screen grabs from the DVR set I acquired earlier this year, necessitating a disappointingly low-res experience from now on.
Each season will need one of these brief introductory posts to explain the character departures from the last season and new additions to the cast for the present season. First, the departures:
Kelly, Theresa, Olaf and Cindy are history.
Jake will also be absent for the entirety of Season 2 while he accompanies his mother on a trip to China, but he’ll make his triumphant return in Season 3.
In the meantime, say hello to the newest crop of depressing little Canadian shit stains to haunt the halls of Hillside High:
Brooke’s little sister. Yeah, I know. After suffering through 13 episodes of Dutch Boy, we now find oot that there was an additional Morgan sister that no one ever mentioned. The way the writers explain this while simultaneously trying to tie Amanda into some of last season’s plot lines is stupefyingly lazy and nonsensical, but I’ll explain all that when I get back into the episode summaries. Amanda wears a permanent sneer, something that makes her a bit more believable as a member of Brooke’s immediate family, and she has the greatest fucking hair I’ve ever seen. Therefore, she’s a marked improvement over her Garanimals-wearing predecessor.
I honestly don’t know where to start. Like it or not, we’re stuck with this awkward, groaning, hideous creature for the duration of the series. A still shot can’t do justice to her horrifyingly grotesque countenance. Stacy’s face is an amorphous, rubbery display of dynamic deformity causing her to appear like she’s constantly in close proximity to someone that just let oot an enormous cloud of flatulence, so I’ve taken to calling her “Who Farted?” Any words that escape her lips are prefaced by a strange guttural sound like someone trying to run an unplugged blender on the residual electricity from its last use. For this season, she’ll essentially serve as the extremely disappointing replacement for Kelly as Brooke’s sidekick.
This is Mullet Dave, who I impetuously identified when he was just an extra during several of last season’s posts even though the writers had yet to do so. As you can see, he’s ditched the mullet and the day-glo boyswear in favor of a bowl cut and a Hillside letterman jacket (he’s the basketball team’s towel boy). Since Jake is being held hostage in a Beijing hotel, Dave is here to temporarily take his place as Matt’s shy, athletically-impaired ass kisser that occasionally feels the need to nervously inform his short-fused friend that he might be an alcoholic. Sound familiar? It is, with one major exception: Dave is boring as fuck.
This is Arseman. She’s smart, sassy, ootspoken and squeakier than a shopping cart with four shitty wheels. We’ll be seeing so much of her in the episodes to come that there’s really no point in saying more aboot her here.
Fifteen’s — and perhaps Nickelodeon’s — first ever genuine dirt bag! The new bass player for Dylan’s band, Chris is hot-tempered, cynical, antagonistic and often just plain mean. Incredibly, Chris is a character that doesn’t require me to employ a suspension of disbelief whenever he appears on the screen because he’s nearly identical to every late-80’s / early 90’s class-skipping, fist-fighting, long-haired kid that would smoke cigarettes ootside the lunchroom between classes at every single high school in North America.
Apparently, Matt has a little sister.
Janice! This new transfer to Hillside High is hands-down the most amusingly psychotic character of the season. Everyone hates Janice, and her attempts to remedy this situation just make them hate her all the more. Janice is a fucking phenomenon, but I’ll save her sad/desperate/happy/suicidal story arc for the episode synopses.
This little shit could literally take flight if his ears were capable of flapping. In the Season 2 opening montage, there’s a clip of Deadpool stuffing him into a locker, but this doesn’t actually happen until Season 3. John doesn’t serve any discernible purpose.
This dumpy manager of The Avalon is completely devoid of a personality. In fact, he might not even be the manager, but he’s the one who decides what bands will play at the cafe’s new Friday night open mic venue. He bears an astonishing resemblance to Filth Pig, but could he possibly have grown this much older and larger in just one year? I’d be interested to hear anyone’s thoughts aboot this.
Yooouuu don’t have to put on the red light! Though we won’t meet this leather-clad hard-ass until the last few episodes of Season 2, she will become indispensable to the show from that point forward. She’s the only person at Hillside High with the ability to intimidate Chris and for that reason alone, she kicks ass. She also smashes Brooke’s face into an enormous hot fudge sundae next season, but now I’m getting way ahead of myself.
That should suffice for the vital information required to embark upon Fifteen’s second glorious season, so withoot further ado — I’ll be back to get us started just as soon as I goddamn feel like it. Considering the sound-of-crickets reception my Season 1 posts generally received, I’m sure everyone will be completely nonplussed aboot any delay caused by my ever-increasing laziness. Might as well go for a soda.