Season 3, Episode 12
Christ, you know it ain’t easy. You know how hard it can be. The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me. – The Beatles
At the risk of committing musical blasphemy, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: “Let It Be” is a shitty album. Sure, it has moments of brilliance, but since the Fab Four were barely on speaking terms at this late stage of their existence, each of The Beatles recorded their parts separately and then cobbled them together in the studio. To my ears, the end result reflects this schism within the band. Had they soldiered on as a group for much longer, I’m guessing that their original magic would have continued to diminish with each new album, effectively sullying the glory days of the most popular rock band of all time. Why do I say this? One word: Wings. Sir Paul’s post-Beatles career has been one of consistent mediocrity, and that’s when he’s at the top of his game (when he isn’t, we get shit like “Silly Love Songs”). So to anyone who still harbors bitterness towards Yoko Ono for her alleged role in the demise of The Beatles, ask yourself: did she perhaps do us a favor? Similarly, what aboot Chris’s accusation that Roxanne was responsible for the break-up of Teenagers In Love?
John and Yoko are at The Avalon trashing Dylan for his decision to drop oot of school and pursue a career in music. After thoroughly exhausting this topic at the top of their lungs, Chris reminds Roxanne that they still need to find a guitarist and drummer for their band.
Roxanne: Don’t worry. I’ve taken care of it.
Chris: You found a couple of guys?
Roxanne: They’re not from Hillside. They’re sort of…social acquaintances.
Chris: How do you mean?
Roxanne: Why don’t you wait and see?
While Chris and Roxanne are eviscerating Dylan from afar, Ashley’s back at the garage doing it up close and personal. I mean, of fucking course she is. This whispering hemorrhoid has been trying to nag her way into Dylan’s pants ever since she got back from private school.
Ashley: dylan, this is crazy! you can’t drop oot of school!
Dylan: I already have.
Ashley: then go talk to the principal! tell him you changed your mind!
Dylan: But I haven’t changed my mind and I’m not going to, either.
Ashley: you just can’t do this – come on! i mean, what do your parents think?!
Dylan: They’re not too happy…but then again, they’re not too happy that I’m their kid in the first place.
Ashley: that’s not true. maybe you don’t always get along, but they still care aboot you.
Dylan: Hey, what makes you an expert on my parents all of a sudden?
Ashley: dylan, your mom and dad care aboot you a lot.
Dylan: They’ve got a funny way of showing it.
Ashley: maybe that’s true, but—
Dylan: Besides, I don’t care what they think! Dropping oot was my decision. If they wanna freak oot aboot it, fine! I’ll just move oot…find my own place.
She continues to badger him aboot the fact that he’s only fifteen years old (for the third year running) and that the odds of him forging a successful music career are slim to none, but Dylan counters that he already found an agent and he’s meeting with her this afternoon. I can’t confirm the veracity of that last claim, but he’s speaking the truth when he says he’s going to move oot. Since this is the penultimate episode of Season 3, they’re already starting to set things up for the next one and Dylan’s homeless odyssey is one of the few things of interest in that 26-episode shit smorgasbord.
At The Avalon, Dave and Arseman are rehearsing their lines. Apparently, the performance is in just four hours, but if anything else of significance is discussed over their pastries and milk, I can’t tell you what it is because hitting fast-forward on these two causes relief to wash over me like someone having a nice cup of tea after enduring an afternoon of non-stop waterboarding. Oh shit! Rewind, rewind. I knew we’d meet these guys in this episode since Roxanne already mentioned them in the opening scene, but I didn’t realize it would happen so soon. As Dave continues to mangle his lines, two guys approach their booth from the pinball room. Despite the fact that one of them has hair redder than a baboon’s ass, their attire and the way they carry themselves indicate that they represent the “bad element” in Roxanne’s heretofore unexplored life ootside of Hillside.
Dirt Bag 1: You guys seen Roxanne?
Dirt Bag 1: Is there an echo in here?!
Arseman: No…we haven’t seen her. She’s probably at school.
Dirt Bag 2: Well, if you do see her, tell her Tony and Ben are looking for her. We’ll be back later.
Incidentally, the words “HAVE A BAD DAY” are scrawled in magic marker on the back of Tony’s denim vest.
Matt’s doing homework in the student lounge when Courtney nervously approaches his table wearing the “sexy” Cosby sweater/mini-skirt ootfit that Ashley Frankensteined onto her a few episodes ago. She sits down and starts to explain herself when Matt cuts her off.
Matt: Actually, there’s something I’d kinda like to say to you. Look, I don’t have a clue what happened between you and me. I don’t really want an explanation, either. I just want you to know that I’m getting really sick and tired of you jerking me around!!
Courtney: I know – and I feel really lousy.
Matt: You feel lousy? Courtney, this is the second time you’ve done this to me! (actually, it’s the third) You tell me you want us to go oot together, then all of a sudden, you turn around and tell me to get lost!
Courtney: Look, I did not mean it to sound that way.
Matt: Then how did you mean it to sound??
Courtney: If you want to know what really happened, just ask Ashley!
Keep on passing the buck, Headband. Even though you’ve only got another episode and a half before you start your merciful 30 year retreat into our distant memories, I have faith that you can manage to destroy every last friendship you ever had in that brief time frame with your stubborn refusal to take responsibility for your own abject shittiness. Now go check up on your brother, Asshole.
In a case of unfortunate timing, Brooke and Arseman run into each other at their adjacent lockers and immediately the sparks begin to fly over the Catherine character in Courtney’s play. In a case of fortunate timing, they’re interrupted by Chris and Roxanne before I have a chance to throw my laptop against the wall. Roxanne wishes Arseman luck before walking off, and I honestly can’t tell whether she was being sarcastic or sincere, but it does serve as an opening for some possible common ground between Brooke and Sassy Pants.
Brooke: She really thinks she’s something, doesn’t she?
Brooke: Ugh – she’s so proud of herself just because she has Chris tagging along after her.
Arseman: As far as I’m concerned, she’s welcome to him.
Brooke: I really think someone should put Roxanne in her place. Maybe – maybe someone a little more attractive should take Chris off her hands…and then dump him, just to prove a point.
Arseman: I’m not exactly sure Roxanne’s a person you want to play games with.
Brooke: Oh, I don’t play games, Arseman. I never play games. I just do what I like.
Courtney and Jake are discussing Dylan’s decision to drop oot of school while they finish preparing the student lounge for the play. Headband changes the subject to her discussion with Matt aboot why she really broke up with him when Dave and Arseman appear. Courtney greets them with an enthusiastic, “Hey, the costumes look great!” even though they’re pretty much wearing the same shit they always do.
Arseman: Time to go! Let’s get the show on the road!
Dave: Good idea. Let’s get it on the road…then run over it with a truck.
Jake: Come on, you’re going to do just fine. Believe it!
Brooke enters The Avalon and Who Farted hesitantly approaches her. She tells her former mentor that she’s going back to school to watch the play, but Brooke indicates that she has better things to do with her time as she abandons Who Farted and sidles up to Chris at the counter.
Brooke: Well, hi, Chris! And how’s every little thing?
Chris: Uh…fine, I guess.
Brooke: So where’s Roxanne?
Chris: I think she’s still at school.
Brooke: Well, we can’t have you sitting all alone now, can we? So I guess you’ve heard aboot Dylan?
Chris: Yeah, the guy thinks he’s gonna be a rock and roll superstar.
Brooke: I know, that’s what’s so tragic aboot it – I mean, he doesn’t even have a chance!
Chris: That’s kinda the way I see it, too.
Brooke: Dylan isn’t a bad musician…still, he doesn’t have your talent.
Brooke: Absolutely! You were the heart and soul of the band! I mean, hey, you even look the way a guitarist is supposed to.
Chris: How’s that?
Brooke: You know – easy on the eyes.
As Who Farted looks on, the coy smile on Chris’ face seems to indicate that Brooke’s flirtatious display was a resounding success.
Over a shot of the Hillside exterior, we can hear Dave in mid-performance: “When…I…was…a…little…kid…I…used…to…pretend…I…was…invisible.” I can’t fucking sit through this. Stare at the picture below and imagine Dave delivering his lines like someone who just ate a fistful of Quaaludes while I go make myself a sandwich.
Okay, I’m back. How was Courtney’s play? Was it everything you’d dreamed it would be? Good. Glad to hear it. As the audience disperses, Matt follows Ashley into the hallway.
Matt: Hey! So what’d you think?
Ashley: good play. courtney’s really got something, doesn’t she? i mean…as a writer.
Matt: Yeah. Ashley, listen, there’s something I wanted to ask you.
Ashley: actually, i’m kind of in a hurry.
Matt: It’s aboot…well, it’s aboot Courtney, actually. This morning I was talking to her and she said something that, well, kinda blew me away. She said that—
Ashley: look, i’m sorry. i’ve really gotta run.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Why in the living fuck does anybody even attempt to speak to this melodramatic little tampon, for Christ’s sake?? FUCK!!!
*Phew* Alright, I’m all better now. I lost my cool there for a second and that was terribly unprofessional of me. Please accept my apologies. Who Farted sees Dave still milling aboot in the student lounge and congratulates him on his performance, adding, I shit you not, “I mean…wow!” Mercifully, Dave takes his leave, greatly reducing the heaping pile of awkward in the room, so Who Farted turns to her friend with the oversized glasses and gushes, “He was really good, wasn’t he? Absolutely – he was just…you know, I think he’s a really great guy!”
Arseman and Dave are chatting at the soda machine when Deadpool descends the stairs.
Arseman: Hi, Billy!
Billy: Hey, I saw the play – you weren’t bad at all!
Billy: (addressing Dave) And, uh, you weren’t so bad yourself!
Billy: Yeah, you were really convincing – playing a geek, which only makes sense, since it was typecasting.
Billy walks away as Arseman turns her spigot of sass on full blast, prying the truth oot of her horrible co-star aboot Deadpool’s new habit of picking on geeks. Sassy Pants makes it clear that she’s going to take the matter into her own hands.
Who Farted sees Roxanne at her locker and says hi. She asks if “those guys, Tony and Ben or something” ever found her, adding, “They looked…a little heavy duty.” Unsure how to handle the ensuing silence, Who Farted changes the subject and asks how things are going with Chris, prompting Roxanne to threateningly inquire whether that’s any of her business.
WF: Well, no, it’s just…I thought you and Chris were supposed to be going oot, and in that case—
Roxanne: In that case, what?!
WF: Well, in that case, what’s going on between Chris and Brooke? I mean, why is Brooke chasing after him all of a sudden?
Roxanne: Brooke’s chasing after Chris?
WF: Look, I probably shouldn’t have said anything. I mean, I don’t really know for sure, and like you said, it’s none—
Roxanne: Hey, thanks for the information!
Dylan’s playing pinball at The Avalon when Arseman walks in and asks, “How’s the life of the rock and roll star?” Leather Jacket doesn’t seem in the mood for small talk, or even large talk when she changes the topic to his decision to drop oot of school, so Sassy Pants dispenses with the formalities and gets to the point.
Arseman: There’s something else…Billy.
Dylan: What aboot him?
Arseman: Apparently, he’s turned into this world-class jerk, hassling David and shoving little kids around.
Dylan: Since when?
Arseman: Since he’s been having problems at home, I guess, but that’s no excuse for turning into a bully. So anyway, you guys used to be pretty close and I’d talk to him myself, but I thought he’d listen a little better if it came from you.
Dylan: Where is he?
Arseman: The last time I saw him, he was still at school.
He leaves Arseman at the pinball machine to pay an unexpected visit to Hillside.
Roxanne takes what looks like an enormous bowl full of whipped cream from The Avalon counter to her table just as Brooke enters the café.
Roxanne: Brooke! Just the person I wanted to see. Come here a sec.
Brooke: So what do you want?
Roxanne: Well, it’s just like this – I’ve been hearing these stories aboot you chasing after Chris…
Brooke: I beg your pardon?
Roxanne: …so I said to myself, “Gee, it just isn’t like Brooke to do something like that!”
Brooke: Absolutely! If you want to know the truth, Roxanne, it’s Chris who’s been chasing after me.
Brooke: It’s getting totally boring! I mean, every time I turn around—
Roxanne: Well, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other. I’d just like to make one brief statement.
She grabs Brooke by the hair and smashes her face into the bowl of whipped cream, adding, “Stay oot of my face!”
Good shit, right? Hell, this is an ootstanding episode all around, because here comes some more. Dylan stares through the glass door into the locker vestibule and steels himself for the upcoming confrontation with Deadpool who’s getting books from his locker.
Billy: What are you doing here? I thought you dropped oot of school.
Dylan: Yeah, well, I decided to drop back…just for five minutes.
Billy: Hey, good luck with the rest of your life. You’ll probably need it.
As Billy turns to leave, Dylan grabs him by the arm and drags him back, pinning him against the lockers.
Billy: Get your hands off!!
Dylan: We need to have a little talk, ‘cause I’ve been hearing these really unfortunate stories, you know, aboot you pushing little kids around.
Billy: Will you let go?!
Dylan: You know, I’ve gotta be honest…I can’t stand bullies. Know why? Because bullies – they do things like this!
He slams Billy violently against the lockers.
Dylan: See what I mean?
Deadpool makes another attempt to flee, but Dylan pulls him right back.
Billy: CUT IT OOT!!
Dylan: Bullies are cowards. They pick on people who are smaller than they are. See how it feels?
He shoves Billy so hard into the lockers that he falls to the floor. Dylan looms over him and balls his hand into a fist.
Bending down to meet him face to face, Leather Jacket delivers his final warning.
Dylan: You’re lucky I don’t kick your butt from here to downtown, ‘cause THAT’S what you deserve. Take my point?
Damn. Wait, what the fuck, there’s still three minutes left? How the hell do they think they’re gonna top that shit?
Chris walks into The Avalon and sees Roxanne sitting at a booth with Tony and Ben. After she chides him for being ten minutes late, she introduces him to her friends. Chris extends his hand and says, “How’s it going?” but neither of Roxanne’s mysterious thugs can be bothered to acknowledge the greeting. This is the dirt bag food chain, y’all. Chris takes a seat next to Roxanne.
Chris: So, how do you guys know each other? You don’t go to this school or anything.
Tony: We belong to a kind of…club.
Ben: Yeah, that’s what it is.
Roxanne: And they’re also just excellent musicians! So, hey – this is our new band.
Dylan’s playing guitar in the garage when Ashley enters withoot bothering to knock. She asks him how it went with the agent, causing Leather Jacket to sigh and explain that 15 year old musicians apparently aren’t in high demand. Clearly relieved, Ashley tells him that he gave it a shot, but since it didn’t work oot, now he can come back to school. To her shock, Dylan makes it clear that he has no intention of returning to school.
Ashley: so what are you gonna do?
Dylan: Wanna know the truth? I don’t have a clue.
That makes two of us, Dylan. But at least you got a chance to oot-Deadpool Deadpool, which is more than I can say.