Season 3, Episode 5
Deadpool’s been awfully quiet lately, hasn’t he? I fear that’s starting to make me look bad. For all my foreshadowed teasing of Billy the Bully that began somewhere towards the end of Season 2, we’re already at the fifth episode of the third season and aside from calling Dave a geek, we’ve seen precious little of his alleged metamorphosis into a teenage terrorist.
Deadpool enters The Avalon and greets his sister who is at a table studying with a glass of orange juice (or maybe eggnog). Courtney makes it clear that she’s too busy for small talk, so Billy tries oot some of his new attitude on her, sarcastically apologizing for being such a bother. Courtney confirms the efficacy of his manufactured contempt by calling him back to the table and asking if everything’s okay. Deadpool tells her that Dad is getting remarried to his girlfriend Colleen as soon as the divorce is final, but the ambivalent tone with which he delivers the news makes it impossible to discern whether he considers this turn of events to be good, bad or neutral. Regardless, he chides Courtney for not asking how he feels aboot the prospect of living with a new stepmom and when she does, he breathlessly responds, “Hey – I feel LOUSY! I feel totally, absolutely, 100% lousy!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!!”
Dylan comes down the stairs and sees Ashley at her locker. After fighting their way through some horribly maladroit dialogue representing Ian Weir’s best guess as to how 90s teens speak to each other, Dylan apologizes for getting all up in her business regarding her stupid relationship with Chris. She accepts his apology but reminds him that she’s a big girl who can take care of herself…except, of course, when she’s so afraid to face both her parents and her peers that she needs to seek sanctuary in his garage for several days.
Courtney is still sitting at her table in The Avalon when Jake enters and starts apologizing so profusely for being fifteen minutes late that – wait, sorry. I promised that I wouldn’t subject you to any more of the insipid romantic banter between these two shamelessly saccharine boob pubes until they learned how to speak like human beings, and I intend to honor that vow. Like the trooper I am, I waited oot the interminable stomach-churning dialogue on your behalf only to realize that the sole point of this scene is for Courtney to reiterate what we already know: Dad’s getting remarried, Deadpool’s not happy aboot it, and she’s starting to worry aboot him.
You know what? I fucking love Brooke, and I love Robyn Ross even more for bringing this relentlessly antagonistic character to life. The following encounter between Brooke and Ashley at Whisperina’s locker perfectly illustrates why I feel this way.
Brooke: Ashley! So here you are.
Brooke: So, how are you?
Ashley: not bad…so what do you want?
Brooke: Nothing, I just thought I’d ask how you’re doing.
Brooke: Good. I’m glad. So how’s Chris?
Ashley: what’s that supposed to mean?
Brooke: I’m just asking.
Ashley: as far as i know, he’s fine.
Brooke: Good…and things are alright between the two of you? I mean, I know it’s not exactly any of my business…
Brooke: It’s just that I’ve been hearing all these terrible rumors!
Ashley: what sort of rumors?
Brooke: Well, aboot Chris spending so much time with Roxanne. I mean, I know these rumors are totally false. Chris would never do anything like that to you and you musn’t get upset just because people are whispering behind your back! I just want you to know that I’m rooting for you and Chris – I really am – and it would be just awful if all of this ended up in broken hearts and tears!
The world’s lamest couple is eating lunch in the student lounge while Jake mock-complains aboot the soggy egg salad sandwich he packed himself for lunch. Mercifully, Dylan walks over and interrupts before Jake’s retarded improv routine can go much further. It seems that Leather Jacket has nowhere else to turn aboot his mounting concern over Ashley’s troubling relationship with Chris. I guess that’s understandable since Pinky continues to meet his friendly concern with stubborn offense, but personally, I’d prefer suffering in silence to seeking the witless advice of Black Eye and Headband. He fills them in on Chris’ philandering and ill-treatment of their fragile little friend, departing with a gentle admonishment that they should talk to her aboot it.
Jake: Have we been missing something?
Courtney: Looks like it.
Jake: I guess I haven’t spent a lot of time with Ashley.
Courtney: Neither have I…and when we do get together, I guess we don’t really talk aboot stuff. Well, not like we used to, anyway. Ashley’s been kind of distant, I guess…like she doesn’t really feel comfortable around us anymore.
Jake: Well, a lot of things have changed.
Courtney: You know, to tell you the truth, I kind of wonder if that’s why she went oot with Chris in the first place…you know, to prove some sort of point.
Jake: No more responsible straight-A student?
Courtney: Exactly. And if what Dylan says is true – we know what she was like with Matt. When things started going wrong, she figured it was all her own fault. She got herself tied up in knots just trying to fix everything!
Jake: Yeah, I know.
Courtney: And if she starts doing that with someone like Chris—
Jake: –Ashley’s gonna get herself stomped on.
Jake: In a really major way.
Courtney: Oh, boy.
As Brooke struts past with her nose in the air, Who Farted sheepishly calls oot to her while getting books from her locker. Brooke returns her greeting in an icy monotone before informing Who Farted that she thinks she’s prepared to forgive her for her part in yesterday’s “childish, stupid, mean-spirited little prank”. Astoundingly, Who Farted sticks to her guns and replies that she thought it was pretty funny and is surprised Brooke doesn’t feel the same “since you have such a great sense of humor”. Though having her own words thrown back at her would normally be a bridge too far for Brooke, she sucks it up with minimal protest because she wants to know if Who Farted has any more dirt on Ashley and Chris. To Brooke’s disappointment, Who Farted indicates that she doesn’t think it’s any of their business, so Brooke wonders aloud why Ashley would go after Chris instead of Dylan. When Who Farted asks whether Brooke finds Dylan attractive, she replies that she doesn’t but that lots of other girls seem to, and that it’s actually Dylan who has an “embarrassing” crush on her. Enter Dylan from the stairwell whose sarcastic monosyllabic responses to Brooke’s over-the-top display of friendliness cause the performance she’s putting on for Who Farted’s benefit to backfire spectacularly.
Chris runs into Dylan at The Avalon and preemptively tells him not to bother with any of his Ashley-related rebukes. He tells Leather Jacket that he found a new singer for the band as Roxanne walks into the shot. Dylan asks, “Who, Roxanne?” as Chris puts his arm around her in a silent confirmation of her new status as lead singer and main squeeze.
Hiding behind a row of lockers, Big Ears winds up a joy buzzer that’s situated in the palm of his hand. He greets some nameless Kid ‘N Play wannabe with his hand extended, but despite this extra’s ridiculous haircut, he’s too smart to take the bait. Next, Roxanne approaches and similarly avoids the consummation of his archaic prank, adding that it’s “the oldest trick in the book”. I guess that’s as good a way as any to eat up 27 seconds of an episode.
Who Farted comes down the stairs in her cheerleader uniform and pumps some change into the soda machine. Brooke approaches and starts to mock her ootfit (and cheerleading in general) when two jocks walk up and tell Who Farted that she’s “looking good!” in a manner that’s very reminiscent of the reaction she received to her new polka-dot dress last season. It’s almost as if Who Farted paid a few of these guys to linger around various spots in the school so that they can jump oot and pay her undeserved compliments whenever Brooke needs to be put in her place. They tell her that they’ll see her after school and walk away.
WF: I guess not everybody thinks cheerleading’s dumb.
Brooke: Of course not! It isn’t dumb at all. As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking of joining the squad myself.
WF: You’re kidding!
Brooke: Why should I be kidding? Are you saying you don’t think I’d make a good cheerleader?
WF: No, I’m not saying that at all! As a matter of fact, we could use another member.
Brooke: Well! Then maybe this is something that I should seriously look into.
At a booth in The Avalon, Chris is trying to convince Dylan of Roxanne’s vocal capabilities, but Leather Jacket is more concerned aboot Chris going over his head and offering the spot to Roxanne withoot consulting him first. The animosity between Guitar and Bass is reaching critical mass.
At Courtney’s locker, Deadpool is trying to arrange a time for them to get together and hang oot, but Headband’s schedule is too full of Jake to allow for something as comparatively pedestrian as spending time with her increasingly psychotic little brother.
Some time later, Billy is at the soda machine when Jake approaches and tells him he heard aboot his father’s plans to remarry. Deadpool responds to Jake’s ensuing interrogation with non-committal replies that graduate into sneering mockery as Dylan enters the school and lingers in the locker vestibule. Just as Billy nearly executes an escape from this pointless exchange, Jake changes the subject and asks if he’s planning to enter the talent contest. He starts to tell Deadpool that he has an idea for his performance, but he’ll need a partner, when Dylan cuts in between them and asks Billy how it’s going, providing him with the merciful excuse to beat a hasty retreat for which he’d been searching ever since making the ill-fated decision to buy a soda. Hey, Kim Mitchell, I thought nobody ever got hurt going for a soda. So how do you explain this?
Uh oh, Courtney and Ashley decided to go for a soda at The Avalon and I highly doubt that this carbonated beverage will be any too painless, either. Courtney gushes aboot how great it is to just be hanging oot and talking like they did in olden times before segueing to the elephant in the room.
Courtney: So how’s it going…I mean, between you and Chris?
Ashley: it’s going fine.
Ashley: look, if you’ve got something to say, why don’t you just say it?
Courtney: Hey, I was just asking—
Ashley: no…you weren’t.
Courtney: Well, it’s just…I’ve kind of been hearing things.
Ashley: what kind of things?
Courtney: Well, actually, it’s aboot Chris spending a lot of time with Roxanne.
Ashley: (heaves a sigh) so you wanna know if the rumors are true. if you want to listen to rumors, be my guest. i don’t know if they’re true or not. if they are true, i’ll deal with it, alright? i’ll just deal with it.
Ashley gets up from the table and storms oot of the café just as Jake enters. He takes the seat Ashley vacated and Headband informs him that the only thing they can do considering Ashley’s reluctance to talk is “just sit back and watch a really good friend get really badly hurt”. Finally, Shit Drapes says something that makes sense! I didn’t think she had it in her.
Third time’s a charm, Big Ears. Seeing Deadpool at his locker, John walks over and thanks Billy for being a friend while extending his joy buzzer-rigged hand. Billy grasps it and predictably gets shocked, setting off Big Ears’ uncontrollable laughter. You done fucked up, Son. Deadpool grabs John by the shoulders and slams him up against the row of lockers while pulling open Big Ears’ locker door, shoving him inside, slamming it shut and hastily spinning the combination lock. He sneers “You little twerp!” before strolling away, leaving John to scream in desperation from inside his locker.
At the garage, Roxanne’s audition is in full swing. Dylan strums his guitar while Chris’ bad-ass biotch shimmies and shakes in rhythm to what’s either the act of singing or performing tone deaf moose calls. The only lyrics that can be discerned are “come on back, ooh, baby, come oooon back!” making me guess that this is the song “Come On Back” that Roxanne referenced in her Season 2 critique of the Teenagers In Love concert at The Avalon. When the song finishes, Chris tells her that she was great, but Dylan says that they need to talk. Roxanne sneers, “Are you saying there’s some sort of a problem?” as Chris puts his arm around her and leads her oot of the garage.
Jake enters the locker vestibule and hears John screaming for help from his locker. He pulls it open and frees Big Ears from his undeserved incarceration, setting off a torrent of vocalized disbelief that “he” would do such a thing on a Friday afternoon knowing full well that he could have been stuck in there all weekend, all withoot mentioning Billy’s name. He punctuates his curiously anonymous anti-Deadpool harangue by screaming, “I hate him!” before running off, leaving Jake to wonder to whom he was referring.
Chris and Roxanne are discussing the audition in The Avalon when Ashley marches over to their booth.
Roxanne: Oh, hey! Why don’t you join us?
Ashley: no, thanks, i wouldn’t want to interrupt anything!
Chris: You, uh…you upset aboot something?
Ashley: don’t even bother asking, chris! i don’t have anything to say to you! (turning to Roxanne) but i do have something to say to you.
Ashley: this guy’s a total jerk. if you want him, hey – take him, because i don’t ever want to see his face again!
Less than a minute left, but just enough time for one more good Avalon confrontation. Billy enters the café where John is waiting at a table.
John: That was really lousy! I could have been stuck in that locker all weekend!
Billy: Poor ba-by!
Deadpool snags the milkshake from John’s table and starts drinking it.
John: Give me that! You have no right to do that and I’m gonna tell the Principal!
Billy: John, do me a favor, would you? SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I’LL SHUT IT FOR YOU!!
How Deadpool resisted the temptation to grab him by both ears and lift him off the floor, I’ll never know. But I guess that’s what makes him a superhero.