Season 3, Episode 8
We’ve got nothing better to do than watch TV and have a couple of brews. – Black Flag
What the fuck, let’s get another one oot of the way. It’s Sunday and it’s a hundred freaking degrees ootside, so it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.
Dylan’s playin’ the blues all by his lonesome when Arseman knocks and enters the garage. As I’m sure you can guess, she’s here to pay her condolences to Dylan for the stunning demise of his once mighty supergroup and to apologize for having called him a jerk when he fired Billy from the band. She suggests that he get a fresh start with new musicians – “serious ones this time!” – but apparently he’s convinced that throwing in his lot with a rhythm-impaired pre-teen drummer and a short-fused dirt bag whose fingers never actually touch the strings of his bass represented his best and only lifetime shot at musical success. He thanks her as she walks oot the door and I’m left to wonder why they wasted the first two and a half minutes of an episode on something so irrelevant unless it’s to foreshadow their Season 4 romantic involvement. Regardless, while Arseman was droning on and on, I couldn’t help but notice the condition of the horizontal blinds on Dylan’s window:
Who Farted approaches Brooke at her locker and asks how her lunch went with Dylan. Clearly unsatisfied with Brooke’s curt reply that “it went”, she continues to badger her with questions until Brooke finally screams at her to mind her own business. Ashley and a couple of girls in cheerleader uniforms round the corner and start lavishing Who Farted with praise for her performance in the talent contest. When Ashley expresses her amazement at Who Farted’s heretofore hidden “talent”, Brooke sneers under her breath that she has no talent, prompting our newly confident Whisperina to reply, “if i were you, i wouldn’t be talking”. Brooke storms off, only to run into Roxanne at the water fountain in this labyrinthine Hell from which there is no escape.
Roxanne: Hey, Brooke, aren’t you going to congratulate Stacy?
Brooke: Well, she wasn’t that good. I mean, okay, for someone who has little talent, she managed to pull it off, more or less.
Brooke: Of course, I was tutoring her…you know, giving her a few tips.
Roxanne: Oh, sure. Hey, here’s a tip for you, Brooke.
Brooke: For me?
Roxanne: Yeah. A little tip for you. On days like today, you should wear green.
Brooke: No, but I find blue a lot more flatt-
Roxanne: Green! You know, to match your complexion.
Brooke: Jealous? You think I’m jealous of Stacy? She’s the last person in the world that I’d be jealous of!
Roxanne walks off as Brooke furrows her brow, confirming the validity of the accusation. But before you start thinking that Brooke deserves all the derision being leveled at her in this episode, I really need to stress yet again how awful Who Farted’s saxophone performance truly was. The only people who come off like idiots in this scene are Ashley and Roxanne for treating Brooke’s little tone deaf protégé like she’s fucking Charlie Parker.
Oh, fuck me in the ass with a saguaro cactus, Headband and Black Eye are sitting in The Avalon, flapping their stupid gums in a futile attempt to pretend that their ill-conceived relationship hasn’t already gone belly-up.
Jake: So, what do you want to do this weekend?
Courtney: Dunno…what do you wanna do?
Jake: We could see a movie, or we could get an old sixties video and laugh ourselves into oblivion.
Courtney: Yeah, I guess that could be sorta fun.
Jake: I know — you pick up some really disgusting junk food, I’ll get a really mindless movie and we’ll pig oot together!
Courtney: Yeah. Great.
Jake: So, would you rather do something else?
Courtney: Oh, no, no…really, that sounds like…fun.
Jake: Hey, Courtney, what’s wrong?
Courtney: Nothing! Nothing’s wrong.
Jake: Remember me, your boyfriend Jake? I know when something’s bothering you. Something’s definitely bothering you!
Courtney: No, really…I’m okay.
Jake: Come on, Courtney, I know you better than that!
Cutting her losses, Headband tells him that she’s worried aboot how Billy’s coping with the divorce and living with a new stepmom, knowing full well that Jake is clueless enough to buy this bullshit. Cutting our losses, I’m just gonna go ahead and save us a lot of time by explaining how this whole stupid subplot resolves itself so that we never have to speak of it again. Later in the episode, Jake tells Arseman that he only views Courtney as a friend but is afraid to tell her, fearing that it would crush her. Later still, Ashley tells Arseman aboot Courtney’s lack of attraction to Jake. Sassy Pants has a good laugh at the fact that they’re both unwittingly on the same page, Jake and Courtney go back to being friends, and Headband is now once again free to pursue her best friend’s ex-boyfriend (as soon as he gets oot of rehab, of course).
Deadpool sees Courtney at her locker and asks if she’s heard “the latest”: that Dad’s girlfriend already moved in even though their parents’ divorce hasn’t been finalized. Headband inadvertently lets slip that Mom would like Billy to move back in with her and Courtney, but even though this might sound like a fairly major plot point, it isn’t and he doesn’t, so I don’t know why the fuck they even bothered to put it in the script. Regardless, Deadpool manages to impressively eviscerate his sister for being so self-absorbed while he suffers through all this, so despite this scene’s lack of a discernible purpose, it’s still pretty satisfying to watch.
At The Avalon, Who Farted is sitting at the counter, thumbing through a magazine. It’s conspicuously open on a page containing an article with the headline “Who The Heck Is Henry Rollins?” Roxanne approaches just as Who Farted flips the page to an advertisement for women’s boots, providing Roxanne with her opening greeting of “Wicked boots, huh?” and never have I been more disappointed in the timing of an idle page flip because I would have loved to hear Roxanne’s thoughts on My War and Slip It In. Roxanne takes a seat and tells Who Farted that her performance at the talent contest “wasn’t too shabby”, but even better was Brooke’s jealous reaction to it.
Roxanne: So do you really like her? I mean…really?
WF: I – I guess I don’t. I sort of feel sorry for her, don’t you?
WF: Well, I do. You won’t tell Brooke I said this, will you? I mean, it would really hurt her feelings.
Roxanne: She has feelings?
WF: Sure, everyone does…so just don’t tell her.
Courtney sees Dylan doing homework in the student lounge, so she walks over to his table and tells him that she’s worried aboot Billy and wishes he would have a talk with him. He explains that Billy’s not exactly a fan of his anymore, so Headband changes tactics and tries to guilt him into it by exclaiming that she thought he was a decent guy, “but just forget it!” As she starts to march away, he calls her back and tells her that he’ll “think aboot it”. Courtney pivots to a nearby table where Ashley is sitting and catches some majorly judgmental shit from Pinky Dinks for failing to tell Jake that she just views him as a friend.
Speaking of which, I just now saved you from suffering through a full three-minute scene involving Jake and Arseman at The Avalon thanks to my economical summation of this otherwise interminable storyline. So now Ashley knows that Courtney isn’t in love with Jake and Arseman knows that Jake isn’t in love with Courtney and all that’s left now is for everyone involved to get their fucking wires uncrossed, say what needs to be said and get the hell on with their stupid, depressing lives.
Dave enters the student lounge and sheepishly greets Who Farted near the bulletin board (which, incidentally, still has one of Cindy’s “If you love this planet…think!” flyers prominently displayed). Apparently, these two dullards are in the same math class, but have never formally spoken prior to this moment. He proceeds to gush aboot her stupid saxophone performance, of course, and Who Farted feigns humility while doing some weird gesture with her eyebrows that literally causes her entire head of hair to somehow recede several inches before rolling back into place like the first wave of a high tide. I would probably describe their ensuing flirtation as the most painfully awkward exchange ever televised were it not for the benefit of hindsight. When these idiots start dating in Season 4, they reach such an infuriating level of sustained retardation that it literally defies description – just one of the many reasons I’ve already decided that the entire final season will be summed up in a few posts as opposed to the episode by episode treatment I’ve thus far been providing.
Exit Dave, enter Brooke. Who Farted informs her that Sally, the head cheerleader, is transferring to another school, so they’ll be holding tryoots for someone to take her place. Of course, Brooke immediately decides that she’s the obvious choice for this prestigious position, but at least her emotive self-aggrandizing serves to drown oot the horrible guttural sound that Who Farted always makes with her throat whenever she’s unsure of how to respond to someone.
Dutifully obeying Headband’s directive, Dylan approaches Billy at his locker and apologizes again for the way things turned oot, but Deadpool clearly isn’t in any more of a forgiving mood now than he was the first time Leather Jacket tried to smooth things over. Billy mock-consoles Dylan for the band’s recent dissolution and starts to walk away as Dylan grabs him by the sleeve and pulls him back. He asks Billy if he’d like to meet up at The Avalon some time to talk aboot the troubles he’s having at home, causing Deadpool to explode, bellowing “I don’t need you to talk to! I don’t need you for anything!!”
Who Farted and two nameless cheerleaders approach the lockers discussing the squad’s new vacancy. One of the girls asks Who Farted if she’s planning to “run” for the head cheerleader position, but she tells them probably not, especially since Brooke indicated that she’s going to vie for the spot. I don’t know who these girls are, but I like them already just based on their incredulous response to Who Farted’s revelation. They remind Who Farted of how important it is to have a “strong head cheerleader” and urge her to consider running against her friend.
Dylan’s sitting at a booth in The Avalon when a professionally dressed guy approaches and introduces himself as Jerry’s cousin, Richard. I’m going to place a photo of these two chatting directly below this paragraph in lieu of explaining how utterly fucking ridiculous this is. Anyway, he proceeds to rehash what Jerry told him aboot Teenagers In Love’s performance at The Avalon (“…it seems your drummer’s pretty weak, and the band couldn’t decide whether it was New Kids On The Block or Megadeth”). Richard then tells Dylan that Jerry still thinks they have potential, so he’d like to book the band to play again on Friday night. In the somberest of tones, Dylan replies, “What band? We broke up right after that first gig. There’s no band, Richard…there’s no band.” Dylan gets up and exits the café as Chris, who was eavesdropping from the counter, saunters over and takes his seat across from Richard. “So…you’re looking for a band, huh?”
Ashley and Arseman get some sodas from the machine while discussing the fact that Matt will be coming home from the treatment center soon. For some reason, Ashley’s far more contrite in response to this topic than she has been for the entire season up to now, but she advises Arseman that she decided against calling him at the center the other night, assuming she’s probably the last person he’d want to hear from. The topic changes to Courtney and Jake, so before this scene is done, at least these two meddlesome douchebags will have everything straight. All that’s left now is for Headband and Black Eye to fucking dissolve their botched abortion of a relationship before I poke my own eyes oot with a salad fork.
Hey, here they are now, endlessly circling the drain at a booth in The Avalon. THREE AND A HALF GODDAMNED MINUTES LATER (and three tentative swipes at my ocular region with the salad fork), their romance is finally, mercifully laid to rest.
Chris is retrieving his amp from Dylan’s garage when Leather Jacket walks in and makes a remark aboot needing new locks on the door of his depressing trash strewn shanty. He tells Dylan to relax, then informs him that he’s just getting his amp because he’s in a new band that’s already a “great success” since Dick offered them a gig at The Avalon. As Chris drags his amp oot the door, Dylan grabs a lawn chair and hurls it across the garage.
Christ. My eyes are actually sweating. If it weren’t for the clear warning against such a decision that this show has fortunately provided, I’d have spent my afternoon planning a move to Vancouver instead of fighting my way through another fucking episode of Fifteen in this relentless desert heat.